Waves

Our Grief takes on a New Normal for us... No One knows what we are going through - other than someone who has gone through the same thing... even then sometimes it takes the same type of death (Car accident, murder, suicide, cancer, etc) to really understand the other grieving parent... Grief comes in waves.... Tsunami's sometimes, and gentle waves at other times.

I Lost a Child, Do you understand?

THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE HERE ALSO :

Read this today and had to share.... I didn't write these words but they are very appropriate to my personal situation and that of so many of us who have lost children.
When you lose a child, people automatically want to find some way to connect with you; it’s human nature I guess.

When you experience a death like that, it changes you as a person; the person you thought you were almost instantly is gone. There’s a shadow that covers the world, as you are forced to still live in it.

I can’t help but grow frustrated when someone tries to relate to my situation in a way that actually belittles my feelings. Losing a child is an experience you can’t imagine; the depth of pain will only let your mind take you so far unless you’ve actually gone through it yourself. It’s a topic you don’t want to say out loud when talking about your children. It’s the chapter you skip over in the book, “What to Expect when Expecting.” It’s every parent’s worst fear, every parent’s nightmare. Watching your child suffer is painful; it leaves you helpless and scared. I get that. I know that.
But when that fear is replaced with reality, it changes everything. It separates you from every parent. It places you in a different category.

Your deepest fear of losing a child is just that: a fear. Your fear is my story. I’m like a prisoner in a cage; you can’t even come visit me here. You think you can relate, you think you know this feeling, but you haven’t got a clue. Everything looks different here; it even has a different smell. There’s not a part of you that can possibly relate to this feeling. That’s a good thing, trust me. It’s not a feeling you want to have. You want nothing to do with this world.

I’d almost do anything to spare you from it.

I know what it’s like to bury a child. I know what it’s like to have to pick something out to wear to my child’s funeral.

I know the feeling of having to force air into my lungs, just so I can breathe. The feeling of having to stay on this earth when it seems like nothing’s left.

I know what it’s like to put all my child’s belongings in a box.

I know the feeling of bringing fresh cut flowers to his grave. I can’t ever forget the smell of freshly dug dirt.

I know what it means to feel the deepest sadness, one that flips you inside out.
know what it’s like to spill your emotions out on the table, exposed for everyone to see.

To have the whole world pity you, and in the moment, to be glad they are not you.

Do you know “that” feeling?

Unless you’ve lost a child, you don’t. So please understand why comparing your experience to mine is painful for me.

Death can’t have your love..

Oh yes, I wanted my pain to end quickly. Oh yes, I would have done anything to stop the hurt and make my suffering go away after my daughter died. I thought, “Give me the magic spell, the book, the hammer, the video or anything else to make my pain end and I will take it.”

Grief grabbed me and beat me; pounded me into submission and hurled me down the well of despair. In the weeks, months and for several years after my daughter died, never once did I feel that my grief was teaching me anything but how much it hurt to lose her. My pain was from something bad and my life was in turmoil.

Yet somewhere deep inside, I believed life could get better and that I didn’t have to live with such deep grief forever. My daughter's death paralyzed me in many ways so that belief didn’t bubble to the surface and turn into action for a long time.

I began to fight back against my deep grief and deep suffering. I knew others had traveled my path and if they were one day ahead of me, then they knew something I didn’t.

It won’t be the first time you’ve heard this, and maybe it still doesn’t make any sense, but maybe this will be the time it will take hold and start to teach you ways to make some of your grief easier. Hopefully, it will help you know that death did not take all,

Here it is..... The pain is from the love. We hurt so much because we love so much. The paradox of grief is that something that feels so bad, the death of your child, is because of something that feels so good, the love for your child. Odd isn’t it? Our grief and deep sadness teach us how much we love and where that love comes from.

The reason we know sad is because we’ve known happy. There would be no sadness if happiness didn’t exist. Because we’ve known such happiness and love with our children, that when they died, it gave birth to our profound and overwhelming sadness. But our happiness didn’t die, it was smothered by our sadness and is still there, waiting to return.

The challenge is to find ways to transition from the sadness in our grief, to the happiness from the life of our child. That’s where grief work comes into play. Early in our journey, the goal is for our grief to go away. But if I were to ask you, “If giving up one moment of your grief means giving up one moment of your love, would you do that?” I doubt you would. The grief we can live with..... the love we can’t live without. So we learn to live with grief, find ways to soften it and learn what it teaches about our love.

Your life will never be the same. I’m sure you already know that. The death of your child is too life changing an experience to ever be able to go back to where, or who, you once were. The relationship with your child has changed, but it didn’t die. Our greatest suffering comes from the loss of the physical. We hurt so much because we can’t hold them, hear them or even smell them. We long for one more hug, one more conversation and one more tomorrow. We fight that need for a long time because we want it back the way it was. If we can’t let go of the physical part of our relationship, then we’re in danger of seeing our child as a child who died and is gone forever, and not a child who lived, and will always live, if we let them. Letting go of their physical death is a tough bridge to cross, though.

If we’re able to embrace what we have and will always have, which is the spiritual and emotional life of our child, then we can transition from sadness back to happiness.

Here’s how we can do that.....

Bring back a good memory of your child. Now I ask you, “Is that a memory of a living child?” Of course, it’s a memory of a living, loving child. That’s yours forever and ever and ever. Death can’t have that memory. Yes, you may be sad and cry when you bring that memory back. And that’s fine; express that sadness. In time, if you do your work, the two emotions of sadness and happiness can change places. When you bring back that same memory, you can smile and say, “Wow, what a terrific child I’ve got…....not had. I am blessed.”

When you put your head on your pillow tonight, think of your child. Not a specific memory, but that feeling you get when you think of them. For me, when I think of my daughter, I get goosebumps. My angel tingles me. The joy of the life of that girl surges through me like lightning. If that’s what you feel, then you know that death did not take their life force and can never take it, if you don’t let it.

Yes, love hurts. But would you have it any other way? Not me, because without the hurt I wouldn’t know the joy. And love does not die either. There is never a reason to add a “d” to the word love. There is no past tense to love. It was, it is, and it will always be. A love born can never die.

Death can’t have your love.....and.....
Death can’t have your child if you don’t let it......

I Didn't Plan

By Cera Grace

I didn't plan,
for my child to die.
I still have questions,
as to reasons why.

I know my faith
is much stronger now.
I still must be oh so cautious
For Satans words I disavow .

I wrestle with "what if",
with each thought he brings.
But with faith that I know,
My day's hurt has strings.

Who amongst us,
believe we are the only ones?
When God himself
Gave his only son.

You are a parent
just like me.
If we believe in Gods grace,
Some things are meant to be.

I dislike that saying
when ones speak of my child.
My guilts of "I failed him".
Are so vastly far from mild.

My words of experience,
the hurt of letting a child go.
Will one day be revealed,
As God needs me to know.

Be gentle, be good to you,
With time your results revealed.
Until that moment comes,
Honor your child that lived.

Help others from the pain
which so few understand.
And one day, we'll arrive
Into Gods promised land.

Remember your situation, if
your child had to lose you.
Knowing your child's beauty
Could they have made it through?

I say all of these things
My grief heart still so hurt.
Yet I must find solace, for
if not, my courage reverts.

Satan shall not take,
this courage I have gained.
And faith shall prevail,
As God holds my hearts pain.

No one will forget your child.
Believe this sacred thought.
Jesus paid our way
Even he at times distraught.

There will always be "what if"
And "remember when".
Until all that knew your child,
And their life chapters end.

So smile, enjoy each day.
Let others see the real you.
Faith is so beautiful
Make them want such too

I can't change the events,
of the life I now must face.
But maybe, just maybe
I can show them grace.

There will always be a depth
That I never can describe.
I make it through these days
With Jesus by my side.

I laugh, I cry, I listen.
Above all I love.
I struggle like the fledge
Much like a nestling dove.

I can't answer
How I shall be in years.
Nor can I began to measure
The liters of my tears.

I can say with clarity
I can't change the past
I want to make a difference
That's my new life's task.

Look at you, just look at you
With such strength to survive
The layers of love you hold
Wishing your child alive

I never imagined
My earth hearts goodbye
I just didn't plan
For my child to die

Stepping Stones

Come...take my hand the road is long
We must travel by stepping stones...
No...you're not alone...I'll go with you
I know the road well...I've been there
Don't fear the darkness...I'll be with you
We must take one step at a time
But remember...we may have to stop awhile
It is a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles you must face

We have many stones to cross...some are bigger than others
Shock...denial...pain and anger to start
Then comes guilt...despair and loneliness
It's a hard road to travel but it must be done
It's the only way to reach the other side
Come...slip your hand in mine

What? Oh yes...it's very strong
I've held so many hands like yours
Once...you see...I had to take someone's hand
In order to take the first step
Oops! You've stumbled...go ahead and cry
Don't be ashamed...it's ok...I understand
Let's wait here awhile and get your breath
When you're stronger we'll go on...one step at a time
There's no need to hurry...we have time on our side

Hey...it's so nice to hear you laugh again
Yes..I agree...
The memories you shared with me are good
They will live in you for all of eternity
Look...we're halfway there now
I can see the other side...it's so warm and filled with laugher and sunshine
Oh...have you noticed we're nearing the last stone
and you're standing alone...
And look...your hand...you've let go of mine
We've finally reached the other side...

But wait...look back...someone is standing there
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones
I'd better go now...they need my help
What? Are you sure...
Why...yes go ahead...of course I'll wait
You know the way...you've been there
Yes...I agree it's your turn...my friend
To help someone else cross the stepping stones
~ Author unknown