Don't Give Up...

To all my Angel mom and dad's, you never get over the passing of your child, just a fact! 
We divide our life in before they passed away and after, and we will NEVER be the same again.
The pain NEVER goes away we just learn to live with that pain.
And we look for the signs, and when we have the signs, sometimes you may cry but sometimes you may smile and say Thank you! Thank you my child!
I love and miss you with all my heart Greggy...

The Far Side of the Rainbow

The sky is filled with Angels

With puffy lacy wings

The remnants of God's beauty

With treasures they now bring

Each one of them a Guardian

That travels in the sky

To watch throughout eternity

Their parents from on high

Smiles that come from Angels

They fall like crystal rain

Eases earthly burdens

Lifting all life's pain

Halos so astounding

That glitter gold each day

Following their loved ones

In such a perfect way

Wings in gentle breezes

That fall from up above

Kissing every parent

With everlasting love

Angels soar through heaven

With everlasting light

Looking down from heaven

Saying their "goodnights"

Kissing all who loved them

So gently on the face

This life's tender mercy

Each parent can embrace

Wings and shiny halos

Travel from on high

Surrounding all their loved ones

They never say good-bye.

~ Author Unknown

When Someone you Love Dies by Suicide

 Honoring my friend R.R.

Submitted by LisaLCSW  |  August 2, 2012 - 1:04pm 

            How do you cope with a death that is so sudden, so tragic, and would appear to some to be so preventable? The grief reaction felt by those that are left behind after a person dies from suicide are similar in some ways to any loss, but simultaneously unique in so many ways too. The anger and guilt that accompanies many situations of grief is often heightened further in suicide loss. Anger at one’s self for not having known to stop the suicide or help the person; anger at the person for seemingly choosing to leave their family and friends behind; guilt that there is some relief that the person may finally be out of the pain they lived with if they suffered from a psychiatric disorder such as depression. There are so many conflicting and challenging emotions that may be felt after a death from suicide. Police investigations, media coverage, and stigma or perceived blame make the challenge of grieving this type of loss particularly difficult. Intrusive thoughts of how the death occurred or what you may have seen during or after the person’s death may play in your mind. This is normal, but should become less frequent with time and with work to process through the feelings and emotions you are experiencing.

            In some situations (not all – any threat of suicide should be taken seriously), a person who gives an indication that they may attempt suicide is reaching out for help whereas a person planning to follow through with suicide may not give any warning so that no one will try to stop them. Sometimes, a person who has suffered from a psychiatric illness such as depression may even seem as though they are improving leading up to a suicide attempt. The point is that in many cases, this type of death may not be preventable or anticipated. Guilt is a normal feeling in grief and you may replay situations when you should have seen a sign or could have stopped this from happening, but it is important to test the reality of those statements because typically there was nothing that you could have done to anticipate or stop this death from occurring. My number one rule in groups and therapy is never “should” on yourself or anyone else and never let anyone else “should” on you.

            It may be difficult to figure out what to tell people when they ask you how your loved one died. This can only be decided by you, however many people say that they find it easiest to say that the person died by suicide. The term “committed suicide” is generally not used anymore as this infers a criminal act and contributes to the stigma of suicide. Most people now say “died by suicide” as this is a more sensitive and understanding description of this cause of death.

            Grief is unique to every individual and each person’s needs will be different. However, it is important to support one another as friends and family to begin to work through this difficult process. With time and with some grief work, the good memories and positive feelings you have about the person who has died will come back. You can choose to allow them to be more than just the way they died in your mind – you can remember who they were as a person and honor that memory. If you are having difficulty working through the grieving process following a suicide loss, reach out for help – talk to family, friends, spiritual or religious advisors, and if you need professional help, don’t be afraid to seek it.

How do we get back...?

How do we get back on our knees and learn to crawl again after having been crushed by the terror of our child’s death?

What can we do to learn how to live again, which is exactly what we try to do? We’ve begun a new life, a new normal, where we look different, we act different, and we communicate differently than we did in our past life.

Most bereaved parents will tell you we now live in terms of before and after our child died. All events are measured in terms of the instant they passed away. When a neighbor tells us they went on vacation last year, we think, my child would still have been alive for another six months. Or, we figure exactly how many days, weeks, months, or years they would have already been gone. It’s an automatic calculation.

The single most powerful factor in starting my new normal has been the realization that death did not take all of my child. My son's death did not take all of his life. His spirit and life lives on through my memories. Everything I had with my son when he was alive still lives in me. Every hug, every kiss, every laugh, and every tear will always be a part of my life. I certainly wish there had been many more memories to be made, but that decision was not mine to make.

In the beginning, the memories I had were mostly about what I lost. I thought my son was gone forever and I would experience his life again only when I died and we were reunited. Now, most of my memories are more about what I had, and still have, with him. All the times are special and treasured moments that I hold closely and am very grateful for.

My realization about my son's life was not something I consciously decided to feel. I didn’t go to the healing store and buy it off the shelf. Through my grief work, and leaving myself open to all possibilities of healing, I was able to bring my son's life back into mine.

I don’t think we have all that much control over our grief. It just kind of drags us along. What we can control is how we do our grief work and hopes towards our healing.

We must never stop fighting for our child. Their lives are out there waiting for us to bring them back into ours. This is a rough, rough journey, but if we travel it side by side, hand in hand with our child's lives, it can make our path a bit easier.

 My Son: Gregory E. Whale, Jr --- 9-2-1991 - 4-26-2010

My Niece: Sarah Elizabeth Armor --- 7-24-1991 - 7-10-2014

The gifts you have to offer to a grieving parent...

Your ear: Having someone who will simply listen is often exactly what a grieving parent needs. You may feel like you need to have answers, but often just having the opportunity to talk things out can help someone organize their thoughts and feelings.

Your desire to understand: Some don’t always listen with the intent to understand. However, being understood is exactly what a grieving parent needs, especially when they are feeling misunderstood by others in their life.

In my opinion, seeking to understand someone is one of the best way to show them you care. Simply restating what you think they’re saying shows you are present and engaged, lets them know that you aren’t making assumptions, and can even help them to better understand themselves.

Your ever enduring presence: Grieving parents will still be hurting months, even years after a death. Usually, the casseroles and messages of concern stop rolling in after a few weeks.

For this reason, the check-in’s that happen after a grieving parent have essentially been left alone will send the message that you understand their pain is enduring, and reminds them you will be there for them in the long-term. Make it casual, send a card or an e-mail, that way they can choose not to respond if they don’t feel like talking. Don’t take it to heart if you don’t get a response and follow their cues. If they don’t engage with you it’s probably wise to give them a little space.

Non-judgment: After a certain period of time people start expressing opinions on how they think a grieving parent is coping – it’s taking too long, you’re trying too hard, you’re not doing enough, you don’t seem to care.

Remember, we all cope differently. Try to avoid passing judgement about whether someone is coping in a good or bad way, unless their coping mechanisms are potentially harmful to themselves or others.
When it comes to the complexities of supporting a grieving parent, this post only barely scratches the surface.

What other gifts do you think should be added?

4 Years & 5 Months...

How dare it be over 4 years since Greggy died! It feels like yesterday, the pain is still just as raw... I think about my sister-in-law who lost her dughter to suicide on 7-10-14... It really is still raw for her... She just got her daughters autopsy report and it hit her & her husband like a ton of bricks. How dare we both lose a child, in the same family! My shrine for Greggy is now for Sarah too. I feel so bad for her parents & brother. Life is so precious and we need to tell our loved ones that we love them now and not to wait until they die...

We all told our child that we loved them, before they died...
I told Greggy in a text the night before and Trish told Sarah the night before as well.

Me & Greggy

9-2-1991 --- 4-26-2010

Forever 18

Sarah & Trish

7-24-1991 --- 7-10-2014

Forever 22

The Reality of Grief

The general populous, without the experience, does not understand what grief is. I have listed a few of my thoughts on the reality of grief.
* Grief Hurts. It is real. It is often accompanied by pain, confusion, and the inability to concentrate and feeling numb is a usual part of the process. We grieve deeply because we loved deeply. Grief for a child is enduring. It lasts a life time. Losing ones child to death is losing part of our future.
* The pain, confusion and other effects are real. We are not making it up and we can not control it.*. Grief takes a long time. It does not get a quick fix. " The funeral is over, we have closure, now we get on with our lives" is only in the media, fairy tales and the mind of those who have not gone through it.
*. We all grieve differently. Whatever time it takes is all right. For some it is a very long process even a lifetime with no relief. For others, equilibrium can be found sooner. Don’t expect to grieve like anyone else. However you grieve is all right as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. But not dealing with or recognizing our grief only makes it last longer.
*. There are physical effects of grief. Some people can’t eat but some drastically increase their food intake. Some sleep more while some can’t sleep. Headaches and other physical symptoms are not uncommon. There can be concentration problems, the inability to organize thoughts or tasks. Some people forget certain aspects of the death and that memory may not return.
*. Grief makes people cry. This is a natural part of the grief process. The tears of grief are chemically different from all other types of tears. Do not be ashamed to cry. Do not let others make you feel ashamed of crying. Let them know it is natural and they did not make you any more sad then you already are. Teach them to accept the emotion and to know if it is felt and dealt with now we will deal with things better in the future and possibly sooner.
*. Special days bring grief back stronger. Personal events; birthdays, the start of school, holidays, etc., death anniversary, and those days held dear to you and your child; it is a natural part of the process and normal.
*. The grief process and the death of our child can change our personal philosophy. Grief can also increase our boldness to question our beliefs, and courage to speak out. Let our new philosophy be okay for us to accept. Also don’t feel it is necessary to convince others that we and our personal philosophies have changed.
*. Grief changes people and their relationships. Some relationships change and sometimes the relationships break. It is best if we learn about our new selves and hope those we are closest to will accept us.

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms you will never be the same
You might long for the person you were before
When you had freedom and time
And nothing in particular to worry about
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before
And days will run into days that are exactly the same
Full of feedings and burping
Nappy changes and crying
Whining and fighting
Naps or a lack of naps
It might seem like a never-ending cycle

But don’t forget….
There is a last time for everything
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down
And never pick them up that way again
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone
They will hold your hand to cross the road
Then never reach for it again
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus” and do all the actions
Then never sing them that song again
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times. And even then, it will take you a while to realise.

So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.

For one last time.

Author Unknown

Lost a Child...

I do not know exactly how any of you feel. We each have lost a child which is our common bond. But how we lost our child, the age of our child, the relationship we had with our child, where we live, our personality, our faith, all contribute to exactly how we feel and how we deal with the loss. As a bereaved parent I have an idea how you feel or as I like to say I'm in the ballpark.
By sharing things that help us or things that give us comfort may just be the missing thing that helps someone else. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will give them a starting point to discover what works for them. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will take a little piece of a bunch of them and come up with what works for them. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will simply help the person realize they are not alone.By sharing our feelings you may just help someone realize that they are not strange, that others feel this way too.
Please remember
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
There is no right or wrong way to celebrate your child's life.
There is no right or wrong way to feel.
What helps one person may not help another
What gives one person comfort may not give another
Each of us needs to do whatever it takes to get through the next breath, the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
May the memories of your child wrap you in a warm hug.

The Hardest Thing...

My Kitty...

My Kitty keeps me Company,
sometimes I call her a Bug,
when I'm in front of my computer!

Me & My Sleepy Kitty...

My Sleeping Kitty...

Thoughts of Suicide

In Memory of my Niece, Sarah...
7-24-1991 --- 7-10-2014

NO ONE...

One Thing I've Learned...

One thing I've learned is the death of a child is emotionally catastrophic. I know of no greater pain. Now that Greggy is gone our family has grueling homework of our own: the homework of learning to live with grief – which, as far as I can tell, is the work of a lifetime. There are no shortcuts. There are no opt-out tests. Every day is a lesson on love and loss, healing alittle, crying a lot, and learning to move forward however fast or slow our hearts will take us. Because love lasts, so does grief. So long as I love my son I will grieve his loss … and what a terrible grief it is. But grief is the price of love and love is worth every tear, every shard of my broken heart, it is worth the agony of loss. The love in my heart hurts me and heals me all at the same time. I am learning that to hurt is to be human and to heal, even if only a little, is heavenly.

When life is sometimes hard on us

We think we cannot cope
We think our life has ended
We think there is no hope
But don't give up on yourself
Think of those you love
Here on earth with you
Or gone and up above
Would they want you grieving
To see you in such pain
Or see you as they knew you
Full of sunshine again
Some people leave us in body
but never in our mind
Their spirit's always with us
their joy they leave behind
So don't dwell on the dark times
That's not who you are
Remember they can see you
Look up and see their star....
Shining in the heavens
Look up and you will see
Them smiling down upon you
They want you to be happy

Detour??

We can’t take a detour around our grief. We can’t get to the other side without going through the door of grief. Feeling our grief — our sadness, our anger, our pain, our broken-heartedness, our loneliness, our fears, and with the support of others who care about us, is a huge way of taking care of ourselves.

The only way through the grief is to grieve.

The energy it takes to grieve will reduce what we’re able to do, so it’s all right to adjust our expectations. Another way of taking care of ourselves is by giving ourselves permission to do less, to let some things go, and to expect less from ourselves.

Like going through an earthquake or a hurricane, the death of your child is big. Just like we don’t expect those who’ve gone through a natural disaster to handle it all alone, you shouldn’t expect yourself to handle your own personal disaster all by yourself. It’s important to reach out for some help.

Death is Unfair...

The tragedy of our child's death is unfair;

it is surreal;

it is heartbreaking;

We can only see the pain and devastation that this has caused.

But I want others to know how it has affected

me as a person and as a mother.

And the result, for myself,

is a beautiful, tiny voice

that has become my conscience to make me better

 My son has forever changed my heart and my life.

He has been a tool to teach me to stop and be grateful.

He is an angel whispering in my ears.

My Son may be gone, but he will never be forgotten.

Today, remember how blessed we are to have had these beautiful lives.

Ship Wrecked...

When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. . You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of love.

Our scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that we have for our child. And if the scar is deep, so was the love.

Journey of Grief...

During the journey of grief,even the most confident of people begin to doubt their own sanity and their ability to walk through the darkness and once again find light.

Since grief is as unique as a finger print, there are no road maps or set guides, and everyone is left wondering if they are reacting properly, doing it right, or moving through as fast as they should.

I remember one grieving mother who told a group I was leading that she used lipstick to write on her mirror. "I will not should on me today." She recognized that the doubts and fears were leading her to live in a constant struggle with how she "should" feel, act, talk, sleep, eat and drink. She needed some relief and discovered that relief could only come from herself.

There are some things that might prove helpful in the journey. If you read my posts, you will read me share it over and over again, the need is to feel what you feel. Fighting feelings demands too much energy that we do not have to spare. This is what the woman meant when she wrote "I will not should on myself today." She was not going to fight her feelings. She was not going to try to control how she felt nor force herself to feel some certain way. Right now your feelings are not controllable and any effort we make to try to do so will only make the feelings more intense.

It also might help to let the feelings out; to rant and rave if necessary, to tell the world how unfair and cruel it all is, to find safe people, such as those on Grief Closet, who will understand the rants that need to be set free.

At first the feelings whirl above and around us in a dizzying spin, but like a hurricane, they are building up their power. Then they crash in on our lives and we feel like we will never live again, but the storm does move through.

---Gail

Our Memories...

We act as the catalysts of change for ourselves. We choose to help ourselves; we choose to stay in a specific place in our grief. We choose to reach out for hope or we choose to withdraw into the familiar
and postpone facing life and hope another day.

There are no set rules or specific timetables in bereavement. We are each unique in our grief.

Eventually we all can find hope. We find it in different ways and in different times. There will be no one moment of epiphany for bereaved parents. Instead, there are a series of minutes, hours, weeks, months and often years until we realize that we can truly say we feel the power of hope coming alive from deep within us. This moment will come for each of us. It will come in its own time and its own way.

Even those of us who have found hope and who shine its light on the paths of newly bereaved parents, still regress and withdraw into the dark sadness of our loss. And that is as it should be. For we have lost the most precious gift of our lives...our child's presence with us and their future in this life. Our children live in our hearts and our memories and our dreams. They do not share this plane with us. It is normal to think of our children often and to shed tears for all that has been lost. These aren’t setbacks as much as sweet memories that bring cathartic tears. The element we find in these memories is a closeness to our child and our child’s life.

An often-expressed fear is that our children will be forgotten. Worry not, gentle parent, your child will be remembered for all of your days and for many days thereafter. You will never forget your child. Others who knew your child will never forget.

The proof of this is in our memories….sweet memories that take us back to another time when our child was with us.

So today, whether you are a few months, a few years or many years in your grief, think about hope. You have not forsaken your child when you reach for hope. Your hope brings your child back in a positive way that will warm your heart. Reach for that hope.

As you move forward in your grief, reach for hope. Your child will still be with you. And one day you will find that your child’s presence is sweeter when hope is within you

Why did this happen to me?

Why did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve such pain? Why have I lost so much when others seem to be so blessed?

Such words are the cry of a wounded soul that has been intimately touched by grief. We call out asking "why" and we receive only silence for our answer.

Many well-meaning friends will tell us that it is better to have had the opportunity to love, if only for a brief time, than never to have felt the touch of our child that is now gone. That is cold comfort in the beginning days, weeks, and months of our grief when all we think about is having our child, we love, back with us once again.

Since that's not possible, there comes a time in our grief when we are able to reason out the thought that we have been blessed by the life of our child, we loved so much, and we are better because of it. We know we wouldn't trade one moment of that level of deep, undeniable love that we experienced for anything in the whole world.

When death knocks at our door, the journey back to life again is long, hard, and lonely. Death means that we once had someone in our lives that meant the world to us, and now that person, our child, is gone. But, healing comes as we understand that our child can never leave us.

Though our child has gone, the gift of love we've been given goes on and on, and that gift can never be taken away.

As saddened as I am by my daughter's death, I can lift up my heart in gratitude for the blessing of her love, that lives in my heart forever.

Losing our minds...

We may think we are losing our minds at times because we long to see their smile and hear their laughter.We miss the days gone by when our children were here with us and happy.If only there were a time machine that could go back in time,but it would never be enough.We would never want them to leave us.We aren't going crazy,these are thoughts of a grieving parent.Grieving is painful but we grieve because we loved.

Inside your Heart...

Don't weep for me when I'm gone, 

Because I'll always be there. 

My spirit will exist in all the earth, 

In the water, trees, and air. 

You'll hear me say, "I love you", 

In the whisper of a breeze. 

You'll know that I'm beside you, 

With the rustling of the leaves. 

You'll feel my arms caress you, 

In the warmth of each sunrise. 

The moon will be my goodnight kiss, 

The stars my watchful eyes. 

Your life will be my legacy, 

Your memories my epitaph. 

These ties will bind us together, 

Till we meet on heaven's path. 

I'll not ever desert you, 

We'll never be far apart. 

I'll live within you always, 

Nestled deep inside your heart...

Keeping Memories Alive...

Keeping memories alive...when our child dies, we often fear that we will forget them. We fear that we may forget what they look like, their fragrance, their smile or the sound of their laughter. For a long time, those were my fears.

I remember a dream I had with my daughter shortly after her death; it was a still photo. I awoke that morning thinking why a photograph, why was it a image of her only? What did it mean? Looking back now I realize that it was my fear of forgetting her, of not having my daughter physically present, only her photographs.

But in time, I came to realize that I haven't forgotten her, will never forget her, I can't forget her. She is on my mind each and every day, and simple things remind me of her presence. So many subtle reminders that she is still very much a part of my life.

The reminders and the memories all serve to remind us that our child is still very much an important part of our lives; that they will never be forgotten, and they remain ever present in our hearts.

Love is felt even over the chasm that is left by death. We feel their presence, walking beside us, in even the most subtle of ways, and our memories and what we do to relive them, reinforces the love we shared and continue to share with our child.

Something Special In You...

Today I light a candle for you.

I keep moving on, you know, but it’s not the same.

When I’m walking all alone, do you hear me call your name?

Do you hear me sing the songs we used to sing?

You filled my life with wonder; touched me with surprise.

I always saw that “something special” deep within your eyes.

I now hold onto the love and life we knew...

Dear Fellow Grieving Parents,

No matter how much we don’t want to be a grieving parent and how much we want to run from the fact that we are a grieving parent we can never escape it and there is no amount of praying and wishing it away will change the fact that our child died.

The problem comes in for most of us because we can’t accept the fact that this really happened to us because to say the words I accept it means it is true and to say the words I accept means that somehow we have a part in it and we have become a willing participant in the worst nightmare ever and who would want to live in a nightmare that you can never wake up from.

This is why in the beginning of our grief and of this terrible nightmare we are so very angry. We are angry because it is as if we are fighting not to fall asleep where the nightmare begins. But we can only fight sleep for so long before we are overtaken by exhaustion and we are sercombe by the nightmare that has been awaiting us at every opportunity.

Just know this is very normal and a very big part of the grieving process and it will take a lot of time to move from this place. And some may take longer than others. And some may choose to never move from this place and that is their choice too because no one not even another grieving parent can tell another grieving parent when it is time to move. It is their choice and their choice alone. Just know you are not alone and what ever you choose to do we are in this together.

No, I Will NOT...

I didn’t think I could survive and didn’t know how I would. At times, I didn’t much want to either. All I wanted was to be where son was, the longing and missing was crippling. The dark shroud of grief nearly suffocated me, engulfing me, engulfing my life, engulfing my love. Nothing was immune from the darkness that pervaded everything. And so came the moment when I’d had enough. As another bout of intense pain flooded through me, I uttered the words that were to change my life. I said “No!”

“No, I will not live like this for the rest of my life.”

“No, I will not let pain be all that I know.”

“No, I will not become a victim of my circumstance.

.......I don’t know how but I will…somehow get through this.”

That was to become a pivotal moment that cemented itself into my mind and paved the way for me to see a little clearer. It enabled me to make decisions in my life based on that commitment to myself and to the memory of my son. I refused to let his legacy be pain and pain alone.

I the started to think about my 'what now' and my 'where to' from here? It’s a difficult thing to feel grateful or lucky in any way when tragedy strikes.

I took time away for me, for the restoration of my heart and soul and came back to my old life anew. I made many changes. I made a commitment to live beyond my pain but it did not mean the pain was never there. It was.

There are still moments where it visits me and sits astride me in its powerful way that it has, and I let it, for a while till I can be more powerful than it once again. The see saw of grief will always remain.

The impact of loss is forever but it doesn’t have to be devastating forever. Life can have meaning again because our child did live...

Together Again...

Although you can't be with me, I know we're not apart,

For I will always carry you, deep within my heart.

Although you can't be with me, my love will never die,

Your love is always guiding me, from way up in the sky.

Although you can't be with me, I remember you with a smile,

Because we will be together again, not now, but in a while.

Move On??????????????

Perhaps you have heard the phrase, “Maybe it’s time to move on…”

These words are actually offered as presumed words of comfort to a grieving parent.

Move on…to me this suggests “moving away from” as in packing your bags and boxes and leaving. Or it suggests making a switch from one thing to another, as in “I don’t like that sushi restaurant, let’s try the new one down the street.”

I don’t understand how one can “move on” from the relationship of a child. A relationship is not static, it is not an object to be packaged up. It cannot be replaced. A relationship is as unique as the proverbial snowflake, as unique as you and I, as unique as the experience of grief each person feels when a loved one dies.

And then I introduce alternate language… “moving forward.” It feels less pushy. “Moving forward” embraces the idea that you are alive and that life involves moving. These are not small ideas in the world of a grieving parent, many would rather stay inside or avoid change. In their minds, accepting change means accepting their child is really gone.

So moving, in any way, is huge. Moving forward can be inviting, because any place without pain would be a good place. But its also scary because moving forward suggests moving away from what was, and what was included your child in the picture. Moving forward requires accepting, once again, that the your child is indeed absent from your life..

It occurs to me, though, that these two “movements” in response to loss are not an adequate description. It’s not about moving on or even moving forward. It’s about “moving in.” Grieving catapults us – our emotions, our intellect, our psyche, our spirituality…boom! We are thrust right into the depths of ourselves without any warning or any guidance.

For some, this experience is as frightening as it is sad. Some parents look for help, for any kind of reference point to make sense of the senseless. And some have instincts that lets them trust the painful and circuitous process of grieving. All of us, though, must respond to the two major demands of loss: 1) living life without our child and 2) living life with yourself.

Grief, ultimately, becomes a process of moving inward, into an unknown territory of oneself. Without our child, we must face fears, loneliness, or inadequacy. The pain of the loss, coupled with this vast emptiness of uncertainty often creates resistance to traveling within. Its hurts way too much.

Many grieving parents resist the journey within. The hard work and painful acceptance that it demands is just too great. This is unfortunate, because the energy to resist the depths of ourselves is not very discriminatory. When we push down our deep fears, we also will be pushing down seeds of new insights, of confidence, of gifts we never knew existed. But of course this kind of reasoning is not very attractive when one is hurting. What everyone wants is for the pain to stop.

Grief, dear friends, is indeed a process. Our job is to find the tools and people that can comfort us along the way, along the difficult journey of grieving. Our job, as grieving parents, is to allow the process to move within us and to trust the outcome. Our job is to believe, to know, that the love we experienced with our child will care for us still in this new time of our lives.

The Bus...

The bus stopped for you at grief, and as you stepped off, you sank into an abyss of pain and sorrow, like nothing you had experienced before. You don’t have to stay forever in this inhospitable place.

When we experience the death of our child, we feel totally powerless as the feelings associated with grief wreak havoc in our lives. In the short term, we may have little control over our life and go through the motions in survival mode only. We wonder if we will ever feel some degree of peace again.

Stepping back onto the bus and getting onto the highway of life takes courage, but more than that, it takes a commitment to you.

You must decide if you want life to be more than it is at the moment. Do you want to have meaning in your life again? Do you want to truly live again? Only you can decide.

Many may think, of course: What a stupid question! Of course I want to truly live, but getting back on that bus takes a lot of hard work. It will require that resolve, that commitment to you. It will underpin your actions, as you adapt to grief and gradually make a new course for yourself in the strangely altered life you now find yourself in.

To get where I am now has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. There were many times when I couldn’t get back on the bus. But, I made a conscious decision that my son's death would not define my life forever, not in this way. It would not mean I was destined to live in this extreme emotional pain forever. It would not mean I would never enjoy moments of peace again. If I succumbed to this forever, I would be dead while alive, something I couldn’t do to myself or to my son. I thought of the pain he must be in watching me.. That is what kept me going when I wanted to give up. I decided NO! I do want different. ------- I’m getting back on the bus!

Darkest Moments...

As you face the grief of the death of your child, remember you are not alone.

Turn to others walking this road that can offer hope, strength, and courage.

Don’t let grief rob you of life.

Choose to live and experience the blessing of having the gift

of being the mother or father to your special child.

Even in the darkest of moments,

you can find clear signs of your child's presence and love.

Precious Moments...

We walked together, you and I

A parent and child

We had hopes and dreams for tomorrow,

But tomorrow did not come.

We walked together, you and I,

We talked, we laughed, we loved,

We shared so many happy times

And for that, I am so thankful.

We walked together, you and I,

But only for a short time.

For all too soon it ended

Leaving pieces of broken heart behind

And even though I miss you,

More than words can ever say,

I thank God that I got to walk with you

Every precious moment of every day...

As Time Passes...

As time passes, people return to their ordinary lives,

while grieving parents no longer have ordinary lives.

They are redefining themselves,

and they are at a loss at how to move forward.

The people who even now, still say my son's name,

still Private Message

me on his love of family, friends,

work, school, cars, coffee, & helping people,

continue to help me through my days,

simply by remembering him.

How easy it is to look away from grief,

as if it might be contagious, or too frightening to face.

Somehow, the seasons will change,

the anniversaries will stack up one after the other.

We learn, unbelievably, to smile again.

We will buy food & make dinner and change jobs,

and buy clothes and celebrate and travel.

We will go on. But there will always, always,

be this grief, softened and dulled after years

of grieving, but present every minute of every day.

Without You...

Don't Quit...

Grief Impact...

You never anticipated the impact grief would have on your relationships. With some friends, it strengthened your relationship in a way that nothing else could. With some, it established new relationships that otherwise would likely never have been made.

But the sad part is that there are a few relationships – some very close, some more casual, that will be forever damaged by this experience. Some people who you thought you could count on during difficult times, just were or still are absent. Other people, truthfully insensitive, saying or doing things that hurt you in ways you never imagined possible.

You sometimes realize that some people, due to their own life circumstances or past, just don’t have the capacity to do the right thing or be present for you and you try to let them off of the hook and it go.

But it would be unrealistic to pretend that your child's death won’t affect some relationships in the long run.

Grief Follows No Plan...

Grief follows no plan, no stages, timetable, formula, or schedule. There are no road maps; there are no absolutes. We know that everyone grieves differently. Grief is like being lost. The familiar things we relied on to live each day are gone. We must find new anchors or stabilizers along the way and learn a new way of relating to the world and people around us. We are forced to learn to live without our child.

Grief is all consuming, distorts reality, and we begin to mark time in “before or after our child died.” No one can hurry the process of grief; no one can do it for us. Not even our spouses, parents or other children can help us in those early days. The truth is that when our grief is new, we feel exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. We barely have enough energy to breathe. We feel as though we have no control over our lives any more, nor do we care.

We realize on some level we are helpless. We might even feel hopeless or purposeless. Some of us feel isolated, lonely and misunderstood. Some feel like everything is trivia compared to the loss we have experienced.

We feel like the world is spinning on around us, and nobody really cares that our child died. All of these feelings are normal and part of the grieving process. And yes, we also need to realize it is a process-a very long, gradual and difficult process. Time does not heal all wounds, but time softens the intensity of the grief. What helps is finding those who will listen with their hearts and give us hope and understanding.

Our relationships with family, friends and yes, even God can be strengthened or challenged as we look for new ways to connect with them. We may lose old friends who don’t really understand. We learn that problems in life are not overwhelming. We are handling the worst thing that can happen to us; what else can happen? We learn to more deeply cherish those we love. We help others in grief without batting an eye.

Sometimes we pick up “gifts” along the way by becoming more caring, compassionate toward others, and appreciative for what is important in life. New strengths can develop as we find our new selves along the way. Life will be different as we learn to cope, but still have meaning.

For those of you who are new in your loss, I hope that you will continue to share your sorrow with us and learn from those further ahead on the path of grief. Someday it won’t hurt as much as it does, and you won’t always feel “this elephant on your chest.”

I will be with you and hold your hand every step of the way... Just let me know, touch base with me...