No, I Will NOT...

I didn’t think I could survive and didn’t know how I would. At times, I didn’t much want to either. All I wanted was to be where son was, the longing and missing was crippling. The dark shroud of grief nearly suffocated me, engulfing me, engulfing my life, engulfing my love. Nothing was immune from the darkness that pervaded everything. And so came the moment when I’d had enough. As another bout of intense pain flooded through me, I uttered the words that were to change my life. I said “No!”

“No, I will not live like this for the rest of my life.”

“No, I will not let pain be all that I know.”

“No, I will not become a victim of my circumstance.

.......I don’t know how but I will…somehow get through this.”

That was to become a pivotal moment that cemented itself into my mind and paved the way for me to see a little clearer. It enabled me to make decisions in my life based on that commitment to myself and to the memory of my son. I refused to let his legacy be pain and pain alone.

I the started to think about my 'what now' and my 'where to' from here? It’s a difficult thing to feel grateful or lucky in any way when tragedy strikes.

I took time away for me, for the restoration of my heart and soul and came back to my old life anew. I made many changes. I made a commitment to live beyond my pain but it did not mean the pain was never there. It was.

There are still moments where it visits me and sits astride me in its powerful way that it has, and I let it, for a while till I can be more powerful than it once again. The see saw of grief will always remain.

The impact of loss is forever but it doesn’t have to be devastating forever. Life can have meaning again because our child did live...