EXPERIENCES OF GRIEF

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to the death of a loved one. Most of us are not prepared for the long journey of grief, which is sometimes devastating, frightening, and often lonely. We may think, do, and say things that are very unlike us. There seems to be no respite, no end to the intense feelings that we experience.

Grief has been likened to a raw open wound. With great care it eventually will heal but there will always be a scar. Life will never be the same but eventually you will get better.

The experiences of grief have been compared to enduring a fierce storm at sea. The waves are peaked and close together. Eventually the sea becomes calmer but occasionally the storm regroups, strengthening without any warning. For several hours, days, or weeks, you may not feel grief; then suddenly you meet someone, or see something, or hear something, and grief resumes. It seems as if you are taking one step forward and two back.

Grief has its common and its unique sides. Although it is a universal experience, no two people grieve the same, even in the same family. Like a snowflake or a fingerprint, each person’s grief has characteristics all its own.

DISBELIEF:

“It can’t be true." You keep thinking that any minute you will wake up from a nightmare.

Sometimes you can’t cry at first because you don’t really believe it happened. Often people will comment on how well you are doing. Inside you know that the reason you appear to be doing so well is that you just don’t believe it.

SHOCK:

Shock is nature’s way of softening the blow. It serves as a cushion - giving you time to absorb the fact of your loss. You hear the words, but do not comprehend the full impact. Emotions seem frozen. You feel disoriented, restless, numb, bewildered, stunned and unable to think. It takes everything just to function. You go through the motions like a robot and feel as if you are an observer watching this happen to someone else.

SOBBING / CRYING:

Sobbing means to weep aloud with short, gasping breaths. Sobbing is an outlet for the deep strong emotions that accompany the death of a loved one. Some people cry often and cry a lot. Others push down their tears, but this may lead to psychological or physical problems. It is helpful to cry to release all that pent-up emotion. Cry alone or with others - but take time to cry. The book WHEN GOING TO PIECES HOLDS YOU TOGETHER, says it very well. The advice ‘don’t cry” is ill advised. Accept the grief - don’t try to be brave and fight it. At first, you need to take time to grieve daily. Looking at pictures/mementos, playing special music, may aid in releasing pent-up tears. Men can and should cry. Crying is a good model for children.

When adults cry, children learn that it is “okay” to cry and to express their feelings. Children learn to share their feelings instead of suppressing them and struggling alone.

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS:

You may experience some of the following: lack or increase of appetite; sleeplessness or oversleeping; knot or emptiness in pit of stomach; tightness in throat; shaky legs; headaches; stomachaches; sighing to get your breath; trembling; chills; fatigue; chest pains; general aches; difficulty swallowing and/or speaking; digestive disorders (indigestion, nausea, diarrhea); feeling weak or faint; tension; slower in speech or movement; temporary paralysis of limb or sight. It helps to understand some of these symptoms may be a part of grief and emerge any time. It is advisable to have a physical checkup to make sure that there is not another cause for your physical ailments. Take care of yourself by establishing a simple routine (good nutrition, adequate rest and time for relaxation). Exercise aids sleep and may lighten depression.

DENIAL:

The phone will ring, the door opens, or you will see someone, and at first you think that it is your loved one. You may subconsciously be searching for your loved one when out in a crowd. It takes time to believe what happened. Even though you know the fact of death, you continue not to really believe it. Many habits continue, such as setting the table for the same number, expecting your loved one to come home at the regular time, buying his/her favorite food, watching a TV program and saying: “I’ve got to tell him/her what happened.” This shows our unconscious denial of death. Denial provides a buffer zone from the reality of what has happened.

WHY?:

Often we keep asking “WHY?” “Why did he/she have to die?” We don’t necessarily expect an answer, but the question “WHY” seems to need to be asked repeatedly in an effort to make sense of the loss. The question may be unanswered, but it is important to ask the question until we can take the step of letting the question go. Rabbi Kushner states in his book WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE that often the “why” is not a question, but a cry of pain.

REPETITION:

You may find that you are saying almost the same things to the same people. The same thoughts keep running through your head. In saying the words and hearing ourselves over and over again, it helps us to believe what has happened. It is important to find friends who will listen, especially someone who has experienced a similar sorrow.

REALITY OF DEATH:

It’s true.” “It really happened.” This is a frightening time. We feel that we are getting worse. Often this happens after people who have been so helpful have returned to their own busy lives. It seems as if we are going backwards. Actually, this reality has to “hit.” The best advice is to “lean into the pain.”

As much as we don’t want to hurt, we must.

CONFUSION:

“I can’t think.” “I forget what I am saying halfway through a sentence” The simplest decisions seem impossible. It is difficult to concentrate and follow through on things. You feel disorganized and error prone.

Bereaved often feet impatient and want to do something, but feel unclear as to what to do, Sometimes motivation to do something may be very low and basic survival needs may not even be met. Confusion abounds because you are using all your emotional energy to grieve and there is very little left over for anything else. The weariness due to grief may affect thinking and concentration.

IDEALIZATION:

At first, you may only focus on the best qualities - seeing your loved one as perfect. It is a very normal reaction, but it is important to be aware of others in the family. They may compare themselves to the “perfect” loved one and feel that they are not as loved - that it would be better if they had died instead.

IDENTIFICATION:

Many people seek to identify with their loved one who has died by wearing their clothes, taking up a sport they liked, planning to follow in their footsteps, etc. It is a way of “staying close.”

ANXIETY / PANIC:

(Fear of “Going Crazy”): At first you may fear being alone. You worry about the future and may be afraid that something else will happen to another loved one. You often panic at the approach of special dates (birthday, holidays, anniversary of the death). Usually they are not as difficult as the days prior to the special days. This is due to our unbelievable panic and apprehension. You may feel as if you are "GOING CRAZY.” It may seem as if you are losing control of yourself. Usually we don’t tell anyone that we think we are “going crazy.” Sometimes bereaved have thoughts of suicide as the only way to escape the physical and emotional pain. We panic at the prospect of “always feeling like this". We feel that we should be doing better and panic when we don’t. Our situation may seem hopeless and our thinking becomes jumbled. Panic is normal. If panic seems intolerable, you need to do something about it. Talking about our feelings, getting busy with something, sobbing, screaming, exercise - all may help to release the "panicky” feelings. Emotional and physical fatigue contributes to our panic. Good nutrition and rest are vital.

BARGAINING:

You want “things to be as they were.” You may hope that just wishing will bring back the person. You may try to bargain with God that “things will be different;” that you will try to be a better person if only the loved one can be alive again.

DEPRESSION:

It is a feeling of being in the “pits.” You hurt so much. Sometimes you just don’t care about anything. You just sit. Mornings are terrible. So is the time and the day of the week that your loved one died.

It’s an effort just to get out of bed, to shop, or fix a simple meal. Talk things over with a friend who cares and will listen. This helps a person to avoid becoming seriously depressed. Talking to others in a support group of bereaved people who know what you are going through also helps a great deal.

SEVERE DEPRESSION:

It is a feeling of deep, overwhelming sadness and hopelessness that lasts for longer than two weeks. Other symptoms may be: loss of appetite; insomnia; inability to enjoy anything; anxious or restless behavior; apathy; preoccupation with thoughts of suicide; wishing to be dead; loss of interest in sex; difficulty in concentration and making decisions; poor memory; irritability; feelings of worthlessness; inability to cry even if one desperately needs and wants to; intense guilt and withdrawal from relatives and friends. It is important for bereaved people not to become alarmed, because everyone experiences some or all of these symptoms at some time. If six or more of these symptoms are severe and continue over an extended period of time (so that pain and problems outweigh pleasure much of the time), then it would be advisable to get professional help.

RELIEF (Laughter):

This phase comes and goes. Often after the reality “hits,” or after a particularly troublesome time, you feel better and may even think that the difficult times are over. There is a sense of great relief at no longer feeling down. Appreciate the relief, the grief will return soon enough. It is helpful to recall the fun times. Wholesome fun and laughter are beneficial. It is not being disloyal to our loved one to enjoy life. In fact, plan things to which you can look forward. Having a sense of humor is often mentioned by bereaved as being helpful.

EXPECTATIONS:

We often expect too much of ourselves. We want to handle the grief better and more quickly than is humanly possible. Submerging our feelings is very detrimental because we still have to face these feelings eventually. The expectations of others, “You must be over your grief by now,” only add to our burden.

Often we will expect that after the holidays, or after some special day, we will feel ‘much better.” This kind of expectation only hinders the grief process. It is more helpful not to have a timetable of how we should feel, or when we will get better. Taking one day at a time, or half a day, or one hour at a time is more realistic.

LOWERED SELF-ESTEEM:

A bereaved person’s confidence is often undermined. In a study on self-esteem using a scale of 100, it was found that an average person’s self-esteem was in the 70’s and generally a bereaved person’s was in the teens. Understanding the impact of grief on your self-esteem may help you find ways of coping.

PREOCCUPATION:

Your loved, one who has died may be in your thoughts constantly. You may think of nothing but the loss. You may even dream of your loved one, or be preoccupied with his/her image. Even at work, church, doing the dishes — in fact, no matter what you are doing — you may find that part of your thoughts are always about your loved one. The intensity of this preoccupation usually lessens with time.

GUILT:

Many people are tortured by “if only,” and “what ifs.” “If only I had called;” “If only we hadn’t let him/her take the car that night;” or “If only I had taken time to listen and visit.” We tend to blame ourselves for something we did or didn’t do that may have contributed to the death, or for things that we wish we had done for our loved one. Feelings of guilt are normal, though often not realistic. It is best not to push down the guilt.

Talk about it until you can let it go. Hopefully, in time, you will realize that you did the best you could under the circumstances. None of us are perfect. The past is behind us. All we can do with guilt is to learn from it for the other people in our lives. When the death is by suicide, it is especially important to remember we can’t control the behavior of another person.

ANGER:

Anger may be directed at ourselves, others (including family members, spouse, doctors, nurses, person who caused accident); the person who died; God; or we may experience a general irritability. We may feel angry toward people who push us to accept our loss too soon, or who pretend that nothing happened.

Anger is normal. Pushing down anger is harmful and may cause things like ulcers, high blood pressure, or depression. Unacknowledged anger may be directed at innocent people and unrelated events. It will come out one way or another. It is often difficult to admit being angry. Erroneously we may think, “nice people don’t get angry.” It is important to recognize our anger. It is helpful to find ways to express our anger, such as screaming in a private place, walking, swimming, aerobic classes, keeping a journal, tennis, golf- even installing a punching bag in our home. Talking about our anger also helps us to define, understand, and learn how to handle it. To suppress anger can lead to deeper than normal depression and bitterness. It is important to acknowledge our anger and to take steps to handle it.

LONELINESS:

After the initial help, relatives’ and friends’ lives return to normal and we are often left to deal with our grief alone. Co-workers, friends, neighbors and sometimes-even family may avoid us or change the subject. Some friends withdraw, because they are hurting, and do not know how to help us. We often become isolated in our grief. The widowed often say, “I not only lost my spouse, but my friends as well.” In reality, few people are able to help or to understand. Support groups can be helpful. Some aspects of grief cannot be totally shared, even in the same family. It is difficult for husbands and wives to help each other. As Harriett Schiff, author of THE BEREAVED PARENT, states: “It is difficult to lean on someone who is already doubled over in pain.” Especially at first when we are hurting so much, we realize that we are not much fun for others to be around. When others have all their loved ones alive, it makes us feel even lonelier. We may feel intense loneliness due to the absence of our loved one, because we are unable to share thoughts and feelings, to touch, to be understood. We feel empty without our loved one.

DESPAIR:

“How can I go on?” You may come to the point where the agony seems intolerable. You can’t bear it - you think that you won’t be able to survive. Your hopes and dreams are dashed. It may seem as if there would be little difference if you lived or died. You may have suicidal thoughts. Feelings of desperation, despondency, pessimism and loss of all hope seem to surround you. If you are a smoker you may smoke more than ever’ due to nervousness, or to an attitude that you don’t care if you ever take care of yourself again. Sometimes it is blackest before the burden of grief begins to lift Talk to someone who has made it through grief.

SADNESS:

We miss our loved one and feel deprived of his/her presence. We may feel unhappy, inconsolable, distressed, sorrowful, dejected and heartbroken. These feelings seem to pervade our life.

HELPLESSNESS:

“What am I going to do?” We feel helpless about our feelings --- our grief. It seems as if we are unable to help ourselves to cope, or to get better. We do not seem to be capable of aiding other family members. We may feel self-pity. Although we realize that we had no control over what happened, we feel a sense of powerlessness at not being able to prevent it.

ENVY:

You may feel jealous of people who still have their loved ones to enjoy. With a child's death, dreams for their future are gone. This pertains to college, job, wedding, and grandchildren - things you would have shared together. When a spouse dies, you envy others watching their children and grandchildren grow up and enjoying retirement together.

FRUSTRATION:

Many frustrations are a part of our grief. “Why am I feeling so upset for so long?” We become disappointed with ourselves that we are not coping as well as we think we should. So many impulses, thoughts, feelings and actions that had become habits are stopped in midcourse. We are left with these unfulfilled emotions, desires and thoughts buzzing about in our heads or sitting in our stomachs.

RESENTMENT / BITTERNESS / HATRED:

Bereaved people often feel resentful about the death and their changed circumstances. Sometimes there is a (sub)conscious hostility toward others whose families are still intact. Some bereaved feel hatred toward those responsible for the death. These bitter feelings should be recognized and worked on, or the bitterness could last for many years. Hatred and bitterness drain you of energy and may be destructive to your health and relationships. When these feelings are left unattended, healing becomes blocked.

LIMBO:

Eventually we may reach an in-between point between the reality of death and the point where life seems worthwhile again. We may feel a little better at last, but be uncertain of what to do next. It may take much longer than we would like before our zest for living returns. We often live behind a facade - masking our feelings and saying, "we are fine."

HOPE EMERGES:

You realize that your grief is softening. At first the pain was with you constantly. Now the pain of grief is briefer and comes less frequently. The good days outbalance the bad days. You feel encouraged that you will get better. Things like shopping (which had been so painful before), painting the living room, looking forward to events, etc., all become a part of your life again. Once again you are effective at work and home, able to make decisions and handle problems. Generally you are able to sleep and eat as you did before. You are able to care about others. You begin to realize that you are moving forward and can once again enjoy life. You smile and laugh again and are rewarded with the smiles of family, friends and strangers.

MISSING:

You will always miss your loved one. Special family events, such as holidays, birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, even a song or a special TV program, will trigger the feeing of longing for your loved one. Seeing other families enjoying special events “that might have been for you” also deepens your feeling of yearning. You can’t help but wish your loved one were alive. You miss countless things that were special about your relationship, a hug, a kiss, a smile, a phone call, or hearing them say “I Love You,” or “Thank You.” For some people, when there was a special relationship, the missing can be more acute. If relatives live out of town, they may find coming home for a visit especially difficult. Their feelings of missing, anger, guilt, etc., may be intensified. The reality of the death is more believable at home where their loved one is undeniably missing.

STRUGGLE WITH NEW LIFE PATTERNS:

You realize that you have a choice. You can rebuild a new life. It will be different without your loved one, but life can be enjoyed again. It is important to seek meaning in living. Learn how to make happiness happen in your life. It is estimated that over 70% of marriages where a child has died become endangered and end in separation or divorce. It is important to be aware of such statistics and to renew the marriage. You need to reinvest in work, activities and friends. New friends can be found among other bereaved. You may find it necessary or helpful to move, find a job, do volunteer work, join a support group, etc. Be open to renewing familiar patterns and friendships, but be ready to try new ways of living.

LIFE IS WORTH LIVING:

Eventually we are able to think and talk about our loved one with happiness and a sense of peace. We have learned to accept the death and can see options and possibilities for the future. We may experience renewed meaning in life. There is the possibility of emotional, spiritual and personal growth. Often we become a different person stronger, more involved, wiser, more compassionate, concerned, understanding and aware. Our loved ones have entered a beautiful new life without pain and problems. We will be together someday. Meanwhile, they would want us to live, love and appreciate this life and the people in our life to the fullest.

PRIDE:

This feeling was not listed on the original graph and yet, for many of us, it greatly affected how we handled our grief. It is placed in the middle of the graph to show how it can negatively color so many other experiences of grief. For many of us, we are too “proud” to ask for or accept help. When asked how we are feeling we say “fine” when in reality we are falling apart inside. We are apt to think “I can do it by myself,” not realizing how unprepared we are for the death of a loved one. Sharing such deep grief does help us to cope and understand. The word “proud” means to hold one’s self high, to turn one’s head. Bereaved so often do this to overcompensate for how really low they feel. We are stubborn about letting anyone know how we feel. This makes it difficult for others to give us the help we so desperately need. We should consider if our PRIDE, and if so work on ourselves to ask for and accept help are complicating our grief.

Sudden Death...

It is recognized that there is no good way to lose a child, just different ways, and all of them hard.

Parents, whose children die from an acute sudden illness, an accident, murder or suicide, have to contend with the fact that they’ve had no warning. As a result, it is as though pieces of their lives were amputated without benefit of anesthesia. The shock that follows puts cotton where the brain used to be. These parents have to deal with the void left in their lives. The day to day parenting ceased at the moment of the death.

There are a number of emotions that are normal symptoms of grief after learning of the death, no matter how it occurred. Some of them are:

SHOCK

Shock usually lasts from one to several days. It is what enables some parents to go through the process of preparing for the funeral of someone they love. Shock numbs the senses and doesn’t allow the full impact of the death to come crashing through in the very beginning.

DENIAL

Denial is a way of refusing to admit that the death has occurred. It can last for varying lengths of time for various people, for some can’t deal with the pain right away. It seems simpler to pretend, instead, that the person who died is not really dead, for example, but is away at school, away at his/her own home or asleep in his/her own bed, etc. Denial doesn’t last forever and, with time, the reality of the loss settles in.

ANGER

Anger is one of the most exhausting emotions that exists with grief. It is thought by some that the intense anger experienced by some bereaved parents is an effort to postpone the pain of grief. Anger is an easier emotion to deal with than grief. Grief is very patient, however, and there does come a time when it can no longer be denied. It is a wise parent who realizes that postponement accomplishes nothing.

There are any number of people at whom the parents can direct their anger, depending on who the parents feel justly or unjustly are to blame for the death. Some blame the doctors and/or nurses who attended the child at the time of the death; the spouse, if he or she is grieving differently; friends or neighbors who have not had the experience of losing a child; the child himself or herself, if the parents feel that the child was careless and in some way was responsible for the death.

In time, most parents realize that anger eats the container in which it is held and that the person must let go of the anger if one is ever to regain any peace.

GUILT

Someone has said if you can separate your grief from your guilt, you cut your grief in half. There is much truth in that statement. Being human, none of us is totally free from regret over something large or small that was in some way connected with a child who died.

The brain, being the devious thing that it can be at times, seems determined to punish the parents by recalling even the smallest thing that makes them regret not having been more patient or less patient, more demanding or less demanding, more firm or less firm, more loving or less loving, more sensitive, more capable, in other words, more perfect.

Feelings of guilt are thought by some to be an attempt to make some sense of the senselessness of a child’s death, or an answer to the unanswerable WHY. Parenting instincts tell the parents that they are responsible for whatever happens to their child, good or bad.

There are two kinds of guilt: Healthy Guilt, which acts as an alarm clock when we sense our behavior is inappropriate, and Excessive Guilt, which is unhealthy. It is not rational, logical or reasonable. Some parents hang onto their guilt (and anger) because to do so postpones the acceptance of their child’s death.

Professionals who counsel grieving people find it very helpful for parents to talk about their guilt. By verbalizing, they are able to hear the craziness of excessive guilt and recognize it for what it is. No amount of guilt ever changed anything. Excessive guilt is a wasted emotion. It drains the parents as they dwell on it, and takes away opportunities to change and learn. Guilt is useful when planning ahead,pointless when looking back.

AGE

If the child was younger, more totally dependent upon the parents, whose being is still a wonder to them, or one they had no opportunity to nurture, the parents have problems coping with the loss of the experience of watching a child grow and mature. They are left to wonder what kind of person would have developed in this child. Their grief involves what was and what might have been.

Teenagers, who are in the process of trying to become independent, often have conflicts with the mothers and fathers, and will leave home angry. The parents have to live with whatever the relationship was at the time of the death, with no opportunity to remedy the situation. There is no opportunity for “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” or “Goodbye.” The child may have died alone or among strangers. Not having been there at the time of death is difficult and fertile ground for the guilt of “what ifs” and the “if onlys.”

If the child was older, maybe even an adult, the parents had been through more of the growing up process and already knew the child’s potential. In that case, they grieve for what was and all that had been and could have been.

INTENSITY and DURATION

It is important to remember that the pain of intense grief doesn’t last forever. The parents will always remember their child and grieve for him or her. We feel that the pain will never soften, but it will, for man is not made so that the pain of fresh grief can last forever. It takes some time, and that time varies from person to person, for parents have to learn to live with their loss more comfortably. That is not to say that we will get over the grief, but it can soften so that memories that once caused so much pain can become memories that are comforting. Look forward to that time.

Issues Couples May Face

 

The first six months following the loss of a child is when the majority of divorces occur. Problems that couples often encounter while dealing with grief include:

• Lack of communication with one another.
• How to parent their other children.
• Overprotectiveness of other children.
• Whether or not to have another baby.
• Differences in how to grieve.
• Blame and guilt.
• Turning to alcohol and drugs.
• Looking for someone or something to blame.
• Talking about the deceased child.
• Wondering when and where and how to deal with a child's belongings.
• Decision about whether or not counseling is needed.
• Financial concerns.
• Turning away from one another.
• One spouse may tend to feel anger sooner than the other.
• One may tend to feel sadness sooner than the other.
• One may want to "do" something to make things right again.
• One may just want to "be."
• If a couple had problems before the child's death, those problems can become more difficult to deal with.

Talk to One Another

• Don't ignore or try to bury your feelings. The death of a child will leave you feeling weak and dazed and in shock. You may find yourselves feeling alone and sullen.
• It is vital that a couple who has lost a child communicate their feelings with one another. Share your feelings of helplessness, confusion, anger, depression, pain, guilt, fear, and even hate.
• Learn and understand the stages of death and dying. Don't allow yourselves to get stuck in one of the stages. If you find your spouse becoming aloof, or if disharmony begins to get more intense in your relationship, seek counseling. Don't try to get through this alone.

What We Learned

The two of us learned that it was important to remember that life is precious. By being overprotective of our children and one another, we were cheating all of us out of life. We learned to accept that we couldn't always keep our children safe and that we couldn't be in total control of our lives. Bob learned that big boys do cry and that he didn't have to be the strong one or the one to tough it out. We have since tried to live our lives in the present moment.

There Are No Quick Fixes

Although the first two years are the hardest, the pain is long-lasting. As the two of us were discussing writing this article, we found ourselves with watery eyes and getting emotional even though it has been many years since we lost Little Angel, Susan Sarah, and Teresa Rose.
Although it is important to accept your feelings, it is also important to get on with living your life and to not dwell on your grief. Find ways to laugh with one another. With your love for one another, you will weather this storm together.

Coping with Grief

Grief is a normal response to loss and lasts far longer than society in general recognizes.

Grief is a very individual process and there is no one “right way” to grieve.

Grief is a powerful and sometimes overwhelming journey, and the following is a list of some of the common physical and emotional reactions that many bereaved parents may experience:

• Physical exhaustion, sleeplessness, lack of desire to get out of bed
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• Tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, a “lump” in the stomach
• Respiratory reactions – excessive yawning, gasping, sighing, hyperventilating
• Restlessness, aimless activity, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness
• A feeling of numbness or an empty feeling that seems indefinable
• Crying at unexpected times and experiencing mood changes for minor reasons
• Wondering if you are losing your mind
• Guilt – thoughts and feelings of “If only I had . . .” as well as awareness of aspects of the relationship that were less than perfect
• Anger – at God, at the people around us, at the person who died, at things which did or did not happen in the relationship
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Searching for answers
• Questioning or challenging your faith or philosophy of life
• Searching for or expecting the child who died to walk in the door or call on the phone; hearing the child’s voice; seeing the child’s face; dreaming about the child
• A need to tell and retell and remember things about the child and the details of the child’s death
• Difficulty with special days, such as birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, holidays
• Feeling able to cope, then falling back again

All of these reactions are natural and normal. It is important not to deny one’s feelings, but instead to learn to express them.

It is very important for bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings to take care of themselves during this difficult time. The following suggestions are offered to help you cope with the intense burden of grief:

• A balanced diet, rest and moderate exercise are especially important at this time
• Avoid the use of drugs and alcohol
• Use medication sparingly and only under the supervision of your physician
• Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Grief “work” is exhausting
• Be patient with yourself
• Avoid major decisions if possible (changing residence, changing jobs, etc.) for at least a year
• Avoid making hasty decisions about your child’s belongings. Do not allow others to take over or rush you. Do it at your own pace when you are ready
• Cry freely as you feel the need. It is a healthy expression of grief and releases tension
• Talk about your feelings or find other ways to express your emotions
• Find a good listener, someone who will just let you talk
• One’s religious faith or spirituality may also be a source of support, comfort, strength and hope at this time
• Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. However, if you are having difficulty managing the intense emotions you are experiencing, or if the physical and emotional reactions become severe or persist, it might be helpful to seek the advice of a physician or professional counselor
• It may also help to become involved with a group of other people who have had a similar experience, such as this group.

Common symptoms of grief

 

While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs.

• Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.
• Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
• Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
• Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
• Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.
• Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia.

Coping with grief and loss tip 1: Get support

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re grieving. Sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. Connecting to others will help you heal.

Finding support after a loss

• Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.
• Draw comfort from your faith – If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you – such as praying, meditating, or going to church – can offer solace. If you’re questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.
• Join a support group – Grief can feel very lonely, even when you have loved ones around. Sharing your sorrow with others who have experienced similar losses can help. To find a bereavement support group in your area, contact local hospitals, hospices, funeral homes, and counseling centers.
• Talk to a therapist or grief counselor – If your grief feels like too much to bear, call a mental health professional with experience in grief counseling. An experienced therapist can help you work through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving

Coping with grief and loss tip 2: Take care of yourself When you’re grieving, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself. The stress of a major loss can quickly deplete your energy and emotional reserves. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you get through this difficult time. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress your grief, but you can’t avoid it forever. In order to heal, you have to acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only prolongs the grieving process. Unresolved grief can also lead to complications such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems. Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loss in a journal. If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her. Look after your physical health. The mind and body are connected. When you feel good physically, you’ll also feel better emotionally. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating right, and exercising. Don’t use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell at the heavens, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready. Plan ahead for grief “triggers”. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved. When grief doesn’t go away It’s normal to feel sad, numb, or angry following a loss. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and start to move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time, or your grief is getting worse, it may be a sign that your grief has developed into a more serious problem, such as complicated grief or major depression. Complicated grief The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn’t remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships. Symptoms of complicated grief include: Intense longing and yearning for the deceased Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one Denial of the death or sense of disbelief Imagining that your loved one is alive Searching for the person in familiar places Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss Feeling that life is empty or meaningless The difference between grief and depression Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy, since they share many symptoms. However, there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief is a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief: Intense, pervasive sense of guilt. Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying. Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. Slow speech and body movements Inability to function at work, home, and/or school. Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.

When to seek professional help for grief If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better. Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you: Feel like life isn’t worth living Wish you had died with your loved one Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

The Stone...

Grief is like having a

jagged stone inside oneself;

as time passes

the jagged edges gradually

become smooth,

but the stone remains.

A MOTHER'S PAIN

You see me smiling.
What you don't see is that I am screaming behind that smile.

You see me go on with life in general.
What you don't see is that it takes every ounce of energy I have just to breathe.

You see me alone with my thoughts.
What you don't see is me talking to him.

You see me say "I am fine".
What you don't see is the huge hole in my heart that can never be filled.

You see me and think "she's back to normal".
What you don't see is that there is no normal for me anymore.

You see me and think "Oh my God, I hope this never happens to me".What you don't see is that as much as I long for you to understand me... I hope this never happens to you either.

You see me joking and laughing with others and think she must be getting over what has happened.
What you don't see is that I can never forget, nor would I want to, you don't get over the loss of a child.

You see me sad and don't know what to say so you keep going.
What you don't see is all I really want is for you to ask how I am doing, really, and give me a hug.

You see that life goes on.
What you don't see is the moment my child died,

the life I had will never be the same.

You see that I am strong... do not be deceived.
What you don't see is that I am weak and weary.

Some days "I am 6 feet from the edge".

What you see is a mask... a lie. The mask helps you cope with me and me cope with myself.
What you don't see is the raw sometimes unbearable pain.

You don't see me being unable to breathe.
What you don't see is my despair. You don't see me screaming to Heaven for God to give my child back.

What you don't see you could never understand anyway unless you walk a mile in my shoes.... God Forbid.

~author unknown

TALKING WITH FRIENDS WHO HAVE LOST A CHILD

Do not worry that mentioning the name of the child will "remind" bereaved parents of their child. We remember our child every minute of every day. We want to talk about our child. Mention his name. One of our biggest fears is that he will be forgotten and one of our biggest joys is to hear his name.

Understand that we are parents without the right number of children. Because of this we experience over and over again fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, loss of future, isolation, abandonment. These are not steps that we work through but feelings that will continue to return forever with various intensity and in different forms.

Keep in mind that there really is no "closure" to the grief for the loss of a child. How can there be? Such loss is against nature and against all that we understand in the passage from one generation to the next.

What you say to bereaved parents is less important than that you say something. Ignoring bereaved parents is only adding to the burden of grief. Simply asking "How are you doing?" can be very helpful. But do it often.

When bereaved parents return to the workplace, make sure that you stop by, even if it's just to say "hello." After the loss of a child, parents often feel as if they are starting all over. This "new life" is just in the infancy stage and a friendly word makes a difference.

Call bereaved parents just to let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be insulted if they do not call you. Grieving saps energy for a long time.

Never think that grieving parents are somehow "holding onto their grief. "There is no such thing. The loss of a child causes endless grief that becomes part of the bereaved parent's inner self forever.

Remember that grief is not a process that one goes through a step at a time. Grieving is a roller coaster ride, and it is circular. The first couple of years, we are numb. When the numbness goes away, we are shocked to see that the world has gone on without our child. When we come out of this numbness, we are different people with a new sense of what it is to be "normal."

When parents lose their child, their hearts are broken. A huge hole is left. This hole will never heal - only the jagged edges around the hole may heal with time. Our grief, not always in the same form and maybe not as intense, will be with us the rest of our lives.

It does not matter how a child died or whether he was one week old or sixty years old. Nor does it matter whether there are surviving children. There is something absolute about the loss of each and every individual child.

Certain times of year will trigger intense sadness. Birthdays, anniversaries of the death, holidays, Mother's and Father's Day, weddings and funerals are just some. We can never properly prepare ourselves for these days. A simple "I am thinking of you and I know this day must be hard" goes a long way with bereaved parents.

~By Linda Waxler

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR

Every time I am in a group of bereaved parents, I hear people say things like, "I wish my child hadn't died" or "I wish I had him back". Those wishes, unfortunately, can never come true. Another wish I hear is "I wish my friends (or church, or neighbors, or relatives) understood what I am going through and were more supportive." This is a wish that has some possibility of coming true if we are able to be honest and assertive with the people around us. What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here is a partial list of such wishes:

1. I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was important and I need to hear his name.

2. If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

3. I wish you wouldn't "kill" my child again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances.

4. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

5. I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn't compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.

6. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me.

7. I wish you knew all of the "crazy" grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

8. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be "cured" or a "former bereaved parent", but will forevermore be a "recovering bereaved parent".

9. I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident-prone, all of which may be related to my grief.

10. Our child's birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are a terrible times for us. I wish you would tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don't try to coerce us into being cheerful.

11. It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with our God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without making me feel guilty.

12. I wish you wouldn't offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches, and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

13. I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to "get back to my old self", you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me - - maybe you'll still like me.

Elaine Grier, TCF, Atlanta, GA

Please Let Me Mourn

Please let me mourn.

I’ve never lost a child before and I don’t understand all these emotions I’m feeling. Will you try to understand and help me?

Please let me mourn.

I may act and appear together but I am not. Oftentimes it hurts so much I can hardly bear it.

Please let me mourn.

Don’t expect too much from me. I will try to help you know what I can and can not handle. Sometimes I am not always sure.

Please let me mourn.

Let me talk about my child. I need to talk. It’s part of healing. Don’t pretend nothing has happened. It hurts terribly when you do. I love my child very much and my memories are all I have now. They are very precious to me.

Please let me mourn.

Sometimes I cry and act differently but it is all part of the grieving. My tears are necessary and needed and should not be held back. It even helps when you cry with me. Please don’t fear my tears.

Please let me mourn.

What I need most is your friendship, your sympathy, your prayers, your support and your understanding love. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I never will be. Hopefully we can all grow from this shared tragedy.

Please let me mourn.

God gives me strength to face each day and the hope that I will survive with His help and yours. Time will heal some of the pain but there will always be an empty place in my heart.

Please let me mourn…

…and thank you for helping me through the most difficult time of my life.

Lonnie Forland TCF-Northwood, IA

THE NEW NORMAL

*Normal is telling the story of our child's death over and over again as if it were a common every day occurrence and then gasping in horror about how awful it really sounds.

*Normal is sleepless nights filled with what if's and why didn't I's.

*Normal is feeling more comfortable at a cemetery than a family reunion.

*Normal is dreading that paperwork that will ask do you have children - is there even room to write yes but he/she is no longer living?

*Normal is becoming paralyzed at the sound of sirens.

*Normal is trying to decide how to decorate our child's grave instead of our house on dreaded holidays.

*Normal is checking to see if I am wearing two of the same shoes, while searching for the phone I'm actually talking on and grabbing my keys out of the freezer or some other strange place where I had forgotten I put them.

*Normal is feeling closer to someone in Canada than the person sitting next to me because they too share this new Normal.

*Normal is sitting at the computer trying to type through the tears and sharing my deepest pain with a complete stranger because they too know this pain.

*Normal is tears waiting behind every smile because my child is not here to share important moments in my life.

*Normal is not saying the words "happy" and "birthday" in the same sentence ever again.

*Normal is crying every single day and knowing tomorrow will be no different.

*Normal is knowing without a doubt that I can never be hurt this badly again for as long as I live.

*Normal is being afraid of everything yet being afraid of nothing and then wondering which is worse.

*Normal is knowing that I love my friends and family but in a sense pushing them away because they just can't understand.

*Normal is a constant sense of "loss of control" at any given time or at any given place because you never know when it will hit.

*Normal is an ache in the center of my chest that I am learning to live with yet it still has the ability to double me over without warning.

*Normal is not knowing how much longer I can sit somewhere without getting up and screaming to the top of my lungs.

*Normal is suddenly gasping for a breath because you realized that you had forgotten to breathe.

*Normal is waking up in the morning and wondering why.

*Normal is feeling resentment towards people when they complain about how awful their lives are because they can't pay a bill, or their kid lied or didn't do their chores, or because they are having relationship problems, or in my mind, other trivial problems.

*Normal is always remembering watching your child die, begging God to save your child, and being totally helpless to save your child.

*Normal is wanting to scream, "SAY HER NAME! SAY HIS NAME! TALK ABOUT HER! TALK ABOUT HIM! STOP SAYING SHE OR HER, HE OR HIM! SAY THEIR NAME!"

Written by Angel Roberson, TCF, Las Vegas
In Loving Memory of her beautiful dauhter Breanna Lindsay

COMPASSIONATE TEARS

 Nona Walser, TCF Greenville, SC

I cried in my car and was ignored.

I cried in church and was pitied.

I cried at work and was shunned.

I cried at home and was hushed.

I cried at The Compassionate Friends,

And others shared their tissues & tears.

 

I'VE LEARNED...

I’ve learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned - that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

I’ve learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned - that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned - that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned - that you should never ruin an apology with an excuse.

I’ve learned - that you can get by on your charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something.

I’ve learned - that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.

I’ve learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned - that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned - that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned - that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I’ve learned - that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I’ve learned - that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you, and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.

I’ve learned - that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned - that a rich person is not the one who has the most but is one who needs the least.

I’ve learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned - that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned - that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will be hurt in the process.

I’ve learned - that even when you think you have no more to give when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I’ve learned - that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings, and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned - that people will forget what you said, and people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

~ Unknown Author

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HEAVEN

  I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love

on cold wintry nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

You don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

Copyright 1990 John Wm. Mooney. Jr.

Pardon Me!

Pardon me for embarassing you or causing you any discomfort.
Please feel free to enjoy the sun, the sky, the trees,
your smiling partner, your beautiful children.

Yes, I just love your tree this year.
No, you never can have too much tinsel.
After all, it is Christmas!

Yes, I quite understand that you'd rather we stay away.
Its been fun, the family lunch, all these years.
But I quite understand that my incomplete family
distresses you.

Of course, I want you to have a merry christmas
to keep believeing in Santa Claus.
If you see my pain-ravaged face - and don't see my daughter -
you'll see that the sky isn't quite as blue
as you thought it was
you'll feel that the sun isn't quite as warm
as you hoped it was
And your Christmas will be - well, less merry.

And no, I wouldn't want that.
So I quite understand why we're not invited this year.
After all, what's the point?
Santa can't mend broken hearts.

Helping a grieving person tip 4: Watch for warning signs

It’s common for a grieving person to feel depressed, confused, disconnected from others, or like they’re going crazy. But if the bereaved person’s symptoms don’t gradually start to fade – or they get worse with time – this may be a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious problem, such as clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional help if you observe any of the following warning signs after the initial grieving period – especially if it’s been over two months since the death.

• Difficulty functioning in daily life
• Extreme focus on the death
• Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt
• Neglecting personal hygiene
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Inability to enjoy life
• Hallucinations
• Withdrawing from others
• Constant feelings of hopelessness
• Talking about dying or suicide

It can be tricky to bring up your concerns to the bereaved person. You don’t want to perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to do, try stating your own feelings: “I am troubled by the fact that you aren’t sleeping – perhaps you should look into getting help.”

Helping a grieving person tip 3: Provide ongoing support

Grieving continues long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person. But in general, grief lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

• Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Your support is more valuable than ever once the funeral is over, the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off.
• Don’t make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may look fine on the outside, while inside he or she is suffering. Avoid saying things like “You are so strong” or “You look so well.” This puts pressure on the person to keep up appearances and to hide his or her true feelings.
• The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. You don’t “get over” the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time. But the sadness may never completely go away.
• Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you’re there for whatever he or she needs.

Helping a grieving person tip 2: Offer practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden, or be too depressed to reach out. You can make it easier for them by making specific suggestions – such as, “I’m going to the market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?” or “I’ve made beef stew for dinner. When can I come by and bring you some?”

Consistency is very helpful, if you can manage it – being there for as long as it takes. This helps the grieving person look forward to your attentiveness without having to make the additional effort of asking again and again. You can also convey an open invitation by saying, “Let me know what I can do,” which may make a grieving person feel more comfortable about asking for help. But keep in mind that the bereaved may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so it’s better if you take the initiative to check in.

Be the one who takes the initiative

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• Shop for groceries or run errands
• Drop off a casserole or other type of food
• Help with funeral arrangements
• Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests
• Help with insurance forms or bills
• Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry
• Watch their children or pick them up from school
• Drive them wherever they need to go
• Look after their pets
• Go with them to a support group meeting
• Accompany them on a walk
• Take them to lunch or a movie
• Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project)

Helping a grieving person tip 1: Listen with compassion

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and their loved one won’t be forgotten.

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions – without being nosy – that invite the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express their feelings, without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
• Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what they’re feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.

Understanding Grief...

The better your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not alwaysunfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing.
• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. The bereaved need reassurance that what they’re feeling is normal. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.
• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery after bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

Dear Mom...

Dear Mom,

I know this is a rough time for you. So I will be as gentle as I can be.
.
First of all, thank you for so many tears, particularly those shared with another that you love. They are a gift to me, a precious tribute to your investment in me. As you do your mourning, do it at your pace only.
.
Don't let anybody suggest that you do your grief work on their timetable. Do whatever it takes to face directly the reality of what has happened, even though you may need to pause frequently & yearn for my return. Do this with courage & my blessings.
.
Know that sometimes inertia is the only movement possible. Give your best to keeping a balance between remembering me & renewing your commitments to life. It's okay with me if you go through minutes, hours & even days not thinking about me. I know that you'll never forget. Loosening me & grabbing hold of a new meaning is a delicate art. I'm not sure if one comes before the other or not, maybe it's a combination.
.
Be with people who accept you as you are.
.
Mention my name out loud, & if they don't make a hasty retreat, they're probably excellent candidates for friendship. If, by a remote possibility, you think that there is anything that you could have done for me & didn't, I forgive you, as my Lord does.
.
Resentment does not abide here, only love. You know how people sometimes ask you how many children you have? Well, I'm still yours & you are still my Mom.
.
Always acknowledge that with tenderness, unless to do so would fall on insensitive ears or would be painful to you. I know how you feel inside. To be included as your child honors me. Read, even though your tears anoint the page.
.
There is an immense library here & I have a card. In Henri Nowens' (sic) "Out of Solitude" he writes, "The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair & confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief & bereavement, who can tolerate not healing, & face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
.
Mom, I don't know where you are spiritually now, but rest assured that our God is not gone. The still small voice you hear in your heart is His voice. The warmth that sometimes enfolds you is Him. The tears that tremble just beneath your heartbeat is Him. He is in you, as I am. I want you to know that I am okay.
.
I have sent you messages to ease your pain, they come in the form of flowers that bloom out of season, birds singing, voices & visions & sometimes through your friends & even strangers who volunteer as angels.
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Stay open but don't expect the overly dramatic :) You will get what you need & it may be simply an internal peace. You are not crazy, you have been comforted.
.
Please seek out people bereaved longer than you. They are tellers of truth, & if they have done their work, are an inspiration & a beacon of hope whose pain lessened dramatically & one more wisdom before I close. There are still funny happenings in our world. It delights me to no end when I hear your spontaneous, uncontrolled laughter. That, too, will come in due time. Today, I light a candle for you. Joined with your candle, let their light shine above the darkness.
.
Affectionately,
Your Loving Angel child.
Greggy Jr xoxo

A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List

 

 

 

I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had him back...

I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you as well.



If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.



I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.



Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you more than ever.



I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be said and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.



I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.



I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.



I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.



I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy”. Neither will happen for a very long time so don’t frustrate yourself.



I don’t want to have a “pity party,” but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.



I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.



When I say, “I’m doing okay,” I wish you could understand that I don’t feel okay and that I struggle daily.



I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.



Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle him at an hour at a time.



I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.



I wish very much that you could understand – understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.



Today marks 26 weeks or 6 months... since Greggy has been gone... Does anyone have a clue?

Please do not avoid me...

Please do not avoid me,
Even if you don’t know what to say.
If you have not lost a child,
I know you cannot imagine my pain.
The thought of it terrifies you...

Please say William's name.
If you speak of him,
You will most likely see a smile rather than a tear.
Do not say I am strong, that you could not bear the loss.
Believe me, you have no idea how this would affect you.

If I cry, it does not mean I am weak.
If I smile, it does not mean I am strong.
It just means I am human.
Please support my journey of grief.
It may never end.
The journey may start with lost dreams,
Sadness and despair.
We will also find William's essence,
Hope, happiness,
And love of life.

Vance Robinson, 10/10/10

{Ditto for me, just replace William with Greggy Jr.}