If You Lost...

If you lost your keys, you'd be upset...

your car, you'd feel stranded...

your job, you'd be frightened...

your home, you'd be heartbroken...

All of these can be remedied.

The loss of a child is forever...

Dear Son in Heaven...

I only have picture's now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here, and mine.
I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your lovely face.

How much I miss you being here,
I really can not say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.

I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.

I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?

The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
They took my third-born Son,
My future life. My heir.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the mist of this,
Watch me, your Mom grow old!

I hope your watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
I really do love you! ♥

☆♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥☮ Peace, Comfort, & Hugs... ☮♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥☆

I'm safely home in Heaven,
Though I know you miss me so.
The love I've always felt for you
Within my heart still flows.
My spirit will remain with you
Every single day
Appearing as a rainbow
Or as ocean waves at play.
I'm in the gentle rains that fall,
And in the moring dew.
All you see that's beautiful
Reflects my love for you.
I didn't mean to cause you pain,
My time had simply come.
The work that I was meant to do
On earth had all been done.
I'm safely home in Heaven,
Where eternal peace is mine.
And when God has called you, too,
I'll be forever Thine.

A New Path!

by Shari Soklow

I choose a new path, I choose a new way,
I am sick of suffering day by day!
Why must I keep going down this path of grief?
This is my life, I must turn over a new leaf!
I am wrapped in a cocoon of anguish and sorrow,
Longing to live a better tomorrow!
I had a child and I was the adorer...
Now I am submersed in a nightmare of horror!
I never knew I could hurt this much!
Feelings of sheer misery, depression and such!
Never again will I feel joy as before,
as when my precious son, came to my door!
His smile and laughter, a memory, only a dream...
No longer real, now it does seem!
No more hugs and kisses, "mom I am here!"
How do I survive without him is my daily fear!
Alone in my sorrow, alone in my grief,
Trying to find a moments relief!
I choose a new path, a new way to go...
A new way to communicate with the son I love so!
I feel the grief of others as I live on,
Always remembering that soon we too shall be gone!
This little bit of time we all have left here on earth,
Must have some value, as it did in childbirth!
I will be good to myself, I am all that I've got!
As I make peace with my cruel fate, and try to cry not!
Life can be empty, lonely and cruel,
The crumbs of compassion one gets from a fool!
False friends desert you and hurt you along the way,
I will find a new path to brighten my day!
I can't change what was and I don't know what will be,
but any good I get from life is solely up to me!
So I will chart my own course, find my own way,
Till I too go to heaven and with my loved ones do stay!

by Shari Soklow
♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥ In Loving Memory Of her Beloved Son Howie

There will be no end to grieving just as there is no end to loving. However, grief will change, will transform, will transition, and will evolve over time. Grief is your companion now, a guide to teach you and shape you. At times you will despise your new teacher, whereas at other times, you will welcome its subtle and not-so-subtle influence. Grief is a thread in the fabric of you.

Joseph is Getting Married!

Dearest Joseph,

---Twenty-two years ago you came into our life. We will never forget that day. You were such a beautiful baby with lots of smiles. As we held you in our arms, we wondered what the future held for you, what kind of life you would live. We wondered if we could be good parents to you and teach you and raise you right.

---You are definitely a young man that is cut from a different mold than most everyone else. You have so many wonderful and unique talents and gifts that it excites us to watch you develop them and wonder where your life is headed. We’re excited to see what great things you will accomplish with your life. You’ve done so well up-to-date!

Was raising you & your brothers easy? Not by a long shot! Would we have it any other way? Never! You have all taught us so much; Patience, Open-mindedness, Optimism, Style, Acceptance, and a Considerable amount of Love. These were lessons we couldn't have learned any other way. Thank you. You brought our family a lot of Joy! You also gave us great memories that we will always treasure:

---Your birth – Feeding you - Bathing you - Rocking you - Tricycles and bicycles – Reading to you – you Learning how to read – Teaching you how to cook & clean - Playing Batman - Your Baptism – Amusement Parks - Vacations – Day Trips - Snorkeling - Bike ramps - Making your own meals – Batting Cages – Computer Shows – Your Rolled Pancakes - Flea Market Days – Your Confirmation - Sleeping on the couch watching TV - Rushing off to school - Battles over homework - Homeschooling - Late nights and curfews - Making homeschooling videos & Editing, editing, & more editing – Playing Nintendo Games & Computer Games as a Family – Shopping – You mowing yards – Your History Lessons – Teaching you how to Drive – Your Interesting Facts - You working at 7-11 as a grunt – 7-11’s French Vanilla Cappuccino - You being Assistant Manager at 7-11 – You being Manager at 7-11 - Late night talks - The "Cats in the Cradle" video you made for Dad – Desireé - Engagement – Your apartments – Your Yummy Homemade Marshmallow Chocolate Chip Cookies – Desí’s Homemade Stuffed Shells – Playing Chess with Dad - Desí’s New fine art of Cake Decorating - You being Kyle’s Sponsor for his Confirmation - & Oh so many numerous other memories - & Soon to be Your Wedding Day! --- Thank you Joey for the life you have lived. Now you begin a new chapter that includes an eternal partner - Desireé.

---Every parent's greatest fear is that their child will make the wrong decision when it comes to marriage. But from the first time we met Desireé, we knew she was someone special. As you began to see Desireé over the next few months, we could see from the light in your eyes and the excitement in your voice that this girl had a powerful effect on you. You became happier and more confident in yourself. We watched the way she treated you and how she brought out the best in you. We secretly hoped, for your sake, that your relationship wouldn't end. Our prayers have been answered. We couldn't have chosen a more suitable young lady to be our daughter-in-law. Desireé, welcome to the family!

They are so Adorable!!! Just think, this October they will be Married!!!

---A Pre-Wedding day letter wouldn't be complete without some advice on marriage. You are a beginner and we've had 22+ years of experience. So this is what we’ve learned:

• Marriage is grand, divorce is about 10 grand.
• The key to a long and happy marriage is to remember just two little words: “Yes dear!”
  • If they don’t work, you know the next line...

“I’m sorry, you were right, I was wrong, it’s all My Fault, and I’ll try never to do it again...”

• Once you’re married, Desireé will always have the last word in an argument. Any word that you add after that is by default the start of a possible new argument!
• Have a phrase that means you know what, that others don’t know – until the day your kids tell them!
• Remember, when you buy flowers it proves you are guilty. However, the consequences of not buying flower are far more serious!

---On a more serious note, here are 15 tips that we have found to be very helpful in my marriage:

1. Night and Morning Prayer - to give thanks, to ask for help, to worship together.
2. A Daily Phone Call - to say, "I love you," to touch base, to discuss your day, to show you care.
3. A Weekly Date - to go out to eat, see a movie, attend a concert, go to a park, or anything to just be together.
4. Daily Service - pay attention to what your partner is dealing with and lend a hand.
5. Live On a Budget - communicate about money, stay out of debt, temper your wants, agree on your expenditures.
6. Listen - not only to what is said but also to what is meant.
7. Regular Attendance - to church each week.
8. Support Your Spouse - in school, career and righteous goals.
9. Forgive Each Other - let it go, admit you're wrong, don't hold grudges and never use the "Silent Treatment."
10. Patience - for tardiness, missed meals, thoughtless remarks, or imperfections.
11. Soft and Kind Words - gentleness, compassion, kindness, empathy for each other.
12. Care About Your Spouse's Family - enjoy their company, get to know them, visit them, overlook their differences.
13. Occasional Gifts - small tokens of your love, notes, gifts of service or time.
14. Love with All Your Heart & Soul - Through Thick & Thin...
15. & When you have kids: “Let them be Little, cause they’re only that way for a while... Give them Hope, give them Praise, give them Love Every Day, let ‘em cry, let ‘em giggle, let ‘em sleep in the middle, oh... but let them be little...”

Well, there you have it, our advice to having a long and happy marriage.

---Joey, we’re so pleased with who you are and your choice of Desireé as your eternal companion. You are a credit to our family. May you and Desireé have a wonderful, prosperous, exciting, and happy life together...

With All Our Love ,

Mom & Dad

PS: This letter wouldn't fit on your Webpage...

http://joeanddesi102311.ourweddingday.com/index.aspx

Potential Gone

The future that I thought was bright,
now all looks dark without your light.
Potential gone; I cannot see
a future now for you, or me.

And yet; although your time was short,
and you didn't have the life you ought,
you brought me joy beyond compare
to counter now my dark despair.

You brought me hope for several weeks long.
You placed within my heart a song.
A longer life was not to be.
So now, with prayers we set you free.

O God, please take this little life,
that won't now see a world of strife.
Surround your child with all your love,
and take him to your home above.

Dick Underwood 2008

Today my niece lost her baby today...

What a Horrible feeling...

Holy Humor...

A father was approached by  his small son who told him proudly,

"I know what  the Bible means!"
His father smiled and  replied, "What do you mean, you 'know'

what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do  know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the  Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young  boy replied excitedly," It

stands for 'Basic  Information Before Leaving Earth.'
=======

There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family

Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country..
"Is there anything breakable in here?"  asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten  Commandments." answered the  lady.

========

"Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and  say,

"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who  wake up in the

morning and say, "Good Lord, it's  morning."

========

A minister parked  his car in a no-parking zone in a large city

because he was short of time and couldn't find a  space with a meter.
Then he put a note under  the windshield wiper that read: "I have

circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll  miss my

appointment. Forgive us our  trespasses."
When he returned, he found a  citation from a police officer along

with this  note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I  don't give

you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us  not into temptation."

========

There  is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and 

announced to his congregation: "I have good news  and bad news.

The good news is, we have enough  money to pay for our new

building program. The bad  news is, it's still out there

in your  pockets."

========

While driving in   Pennsylvania , a family  caught up to an

Amish carriage. The owner of the  carriage obviously

had a sense of humor, because attached to the back

of the carriage was a hand  printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on  oats and grass.

Caution: Do not step in  exhaust."

========

A Sunday School  teacher began her lesson with a question,

"Boys  and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand  shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the

kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?"  the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who  does art in Heaven... "

========

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just

before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly,

but there were many cars  ahead of him. Finally, the attendant

motioned him  toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the  young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.

It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get

  ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled,  "I know what you mean. It's the

same in my business."

========

People want the  front of the bus, the back of the church,

and the center of attention.

========

Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter

what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your  quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day,

the pastor stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what

that morning's Sunday school  lesson was about.
He said "Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming."

========

The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was

going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money

  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist

was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute  wanted to know what to play..
"Here's a copy of  the service," he said impatiently.

"But, you'll  have to think of something to play after

I make  the announcement about the finances."
During  the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and

Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as

much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more.

Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment,  the substitute organist played

"The Star  Spangled Banner."
And that is how the  substitute became the regular  organist!

♥ Forget Me Not ♥

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Forget me not, for I am there

In the beat of your heart,

On the wing of your prayer.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Forgive me my parting and leaving you thus,

A joyous reunion is waiting for us!

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Continue to strive toward your goal and be brave.

Know that my love didn't stop at the grave.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

My spirit is with you through good times and bad.

I share all the joys and the sorrows you've had.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Feel my presence within your next breath

And realize there's no distance in death.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Ask for my help and I'll answer your call.

Reach for my hand when you stumble and fall.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Run the last mile with a smile on your face.

My arms will be waiting when you finish the race.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

Always remember, my love is right there

In the beat of your heart,

On the wing of your prayer.

♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥*•.♥

What Does Time Have to do with Grief?

Everything...

Just consider how, in “normal life,” the clock and the calendar run our lives. Some of us have a clock in every room so we can keep close track of the time. Few of us have the courage to live without wearing a watch because we’re afraid we might be late for something. Time is precious to us. We live in a society that reminds us that every moment counts, and some of us are masters at cramming as much activity as possible into every moment.

And when we are grieving our experience still has much to do about time.

Time stands still...

When we are grieving we may feel like the rest of the world is going on as usual while our life has stopped. Just last week, after my friend died, I passed a neighbor watering his lawn. He seemed totally unaffected by, and most likely unaware of Sarah’s death. How could that be? He only lives a block away. Didn’t he feel the same shift in the universe that I felt when she died? Doesn’t he realize someone really special is missing?

Time’s up...

Most people will allow us about a one-month grace period where we are permitted to talk about our loss and even to cry openly. During this time our friends will probably seem to be attentive to our needs. But when the month is up they may be thinking, if not actually telling us, that it’s time to move on, and that we need to get over “it”. They want us to get back to normal. We may be surprised how many of our friends (and relatives too) will become uncomfortable with our need to dwell on our sorrow. They may not appreciate that it takes time to readjust our life to the loss. Maybe what they are really saying is, “Time’s up for me to be able to be present to you in your grieving time.” Because of this we may need to redefine what is normal for us, and choosing some new best friends—friends who are willing and able to walk along side us on our personal journey of grief, and who will allow us to determine when our “time’s up”.

Doing Time...

Grief may make us feel imprisoned in our own version of hell. We won’t like who we are. We won’t like it that our loved one has gone. We won’t like it that our friends can’t make us feel better. We just want out of here, and we’re not sure we want to do the work that grief requires in order to be set free from this bondage. Some of us will remain in this uncomfortable place for a short time while others of us may feel like we have been given a longer sentence.

Wasting time...

Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at multitasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometime my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.

Looking back in time...

When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way.

That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.

First times...

It is natural for us to gauge our life after a loss as we anticipate and then go through the first times -- first day, the first week, the first month, the first time we venture out in public, the first time we went back to school, or church, or work, the first summer, the first Christmas, the first vacation, the first time we laughed. These first times are like benchmarks, notches in our belt that prove we are surviving when you weren’t sure we wanted to, or didn’t know we could.

Dinnertime...

There’s an empty chair at the table. There’s the conversation that seems to be just noise, having little to do with the absent one about whom we are all thinking but not daring to speak. We still prepare more food than we now need because we haven’t yet figured out how to cook for one less person.

Sometimes the food seems to have no taste, and is not able to do what we want it to do--to fill that huge hole within us.

Time out...

Sometimes what we need to do is to take a time out from our regular activities to reflect on what has happened to our personal world, as we knew it before our great loss. To do so is not to run away from life but simply to realize that to act as if nothing has happened doesn’t work. This loss is too big to allow us to pretend that it hasn’t had a big impact on us. It’s in the quiet time, when we shut off our thinking, and empty out the chatter in our head that the healing begins. Others will have to be okay with our need to bow out for a while. Remember that during grief our job is to take care of ourselves, not to take care of our friends. When it’s time to re-enter a normal routine, it’s our choice what we will reinstate and what we decide to lay aside. Loss tends to redefine our priorities. What used to be important may not be as important now. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Time heals what reason cannot...

In the end, time will change things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer. Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love with someone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did (what we thought was) some terrible thing and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the death more clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of our grief will remain and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite so important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time.

This is good.

Words Words Words

"He's in a better place."

"At least you have other children.”

"She's better off now/not in any pain."

"Where's your faith? You should be happy for him."

"God needed another flower in His garden."

"Time heals all things."

"You'll be better tomorrow."

"You can't stay sad the rest of your life."

"Your loved one wouldn't want yon to be so sad."

"You can have another baby."

"You were so happy together. Be grateful for that."

"At least he didn't suffer."

"She was so young.”

"You didn't really get to know her that well."

Words; just words. Often spoken in an attempt to ease the pain of grieving the death of someone we love.

But, instead of bringing relief, those words just seem to add to the hurt, the confusion, the anger, and the grief. There are no words that will make it all right that someone we loved has died. But there are words that can soothe the hurt, ease the loneliness and add to the healing.

I don't think people are trying to hurt grievers. They just seem to engage their mouths before their brains. Or maybe what they were planning on saying sounded pretty good in their heads, but by the time those words of hope made the journey from their minds to their mouths, something happened. And those words came out, sending hurt instead of hope across the space between us.

What are you trying to say? Are you trying to fill the silence between us, show how much you care or how much you know? Do you think words will help when a heart is broken?

Why do we hide behind words, any words, when a hug or a simple touch on the arm would say so much more? Have we forgotten the power of presence? Do we fear silence because it might mean we have nothing to say?

Why must a moment between friends be filled with noise or empty platitudes or meaningless sounds of hollow comfort? Why can't two people simply be in the presence of each other, allowing that great strength to flow between them without any words to interrupt the message?

"You can have another baby."

"You were so happy together. Be grateful for that."

"At least he didn't suffer."

"She was so young. You didn't really get to know her that well."

ARRRGGG! Words! Words! Words meant to help that only add to the hurt. Give me silence, please! Not emptiness ... silences. Not loneliness ... Silence. Don't not come, but come silently. Sit on my couch, hold my hand, share a cookie, hand me a tissue. Come, but leave your words of hollow hope behind. No words can speak more eloquently than the shared silence of presence. Come sit beside me. Hold me. Touch me.

Be with me, but leave the noise behind.

Are we afraid that silence will kill us? Are we afraid that we will say "the wrong thing"? (What is the right thing?) Are we afraid that we will "remind" the bereaved of their loss? (Do you think we will ever forget it?)

"Time heals all things."

"You'll be better tomorrow."

"You can't stay sad the rest of your life."

"Your loved one wouldn't want you to be so sad.”

If only I could think of something to say in return! But my mind as well as my body and soul have gone numb. I am frozen and I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I am so shocked that I cannot believe I heard what you said, or maybe you don't even realize what you said.

"Be happy she's healed now."

" Why are you so sad?"

" We have gathered here to not to mourn the loss of…But rather to celebrate his life."

Words; Just words. You'd think they wouldn't hurt so much, but they do. Sometimes it really is better not to say anything. That doesn't mean don't do something ... it means don't use words to fill up the space that sadness occupies. By all means, do something! Bring flowers, a casserole (not tuna, please), chocolate cookies, napkins, paper towels. Come help with the laundry, the childcare, the mail, the dusting. Drop off a ham, a turkey, a hug. Send a note, a lemon meringue pie, and a donation to my loved one's favorite charity.

Slip a note into my pocket, a card in my mailbox, a hand into my empty one.

Share a memory, a laugh, and a moment. Tell me stories of the past; bring me pictures from your scrapbook. Speak of love, not sorrow. Remember the life, not just the death. Give me hope, not meaningless words.

Hug me, hold me, love me, leave me, but don't shower me with words that are meant to soothe, but sear instead. Your presence really is the healing touch. No words need be spoken between friends and family when love is the weaver of the threads.

"He's in a better place."

(I thought right next to me was a pretty good place)

"At least you have other children."

(Yes, but I really loved that one, too.)

"She's better off now... not in any pain."

(She may be out of pain, but I'm not!)

"Where's your faith? You should be happy for him."

(My faith may help my heart feel better, but it's my arms that are empty and aching.)

"God needed another flower in His garden."

(What about MY garden?!)

"You can have another baby."

(Maybe, but no one can replace someone)

"You were so happy together. Be grateful for that."

(I am grateful, but I want more!)

"At least he didn't suffer."

(Yes, that's true, but I am suffering now.)

"She was so young. You didn't really get to know her that well."

(Since when does age have anything to do with how much someone is loved?)

"Time heals all things."

(Time does nothing except pass. It is what you do with the time that might change things.)

"You'll be better tomorrow."

(Perhaps, but what about today?)

"You can't stay sad the rest of your life."

(Oh yes I can)

"Your loved one wouldn't want you to be so sad.”

(How do you know? I have told my loved ones that I expect at least three days of heavy grieving. After that, they can do whatever they wish. But I do want them to be sad... at least a little bit!)

"Be happy she's healed now."

(That may be true, but it is still my heart that is broken ... my arms that are empty. What about me?)

" Why are you so sad?"

(Oh, I don't know ... maybe it's because someone I loved has died.)

"We have gathered here to not to mourn the loss of. … But rather to celebrate his life."

(The thought here is nice, but the timing seems a bit "off." I am not quite ready to celebrate. I think I need some grieving time, too.)

Words. Just words. Let them fall to the wayside when you hear words that do not quite touch the pain or hit the mark. Realize that someone is tying to reach you, soothe you, and comfort you. So what if their choice of words falls short of the goal or even brings a moment or two of pain? At least someone cares enough to keep trying! And the sounds of silence are even worse than the words that come wrapped in good intentions and tied with a silly looking bow.

I'll take your comfort any way you can share it with me. But maybe the best words to say are simply, "I'm here and I don't have a clue as to how to help, but I'm here, and together we'll figure this thing out.

A Letter from Grief

Dear Friend,

I came here with no language yet all people and all lands know me. I wreak havoc with your mind and body.

I play nasty head games. I can take a beautiful day and put it to ruins. There is no way to escape me when I come.

I make myself invisible. I become loud and present to the one I come to visit, and they have to walk in the world as if I am not there. I am a scrapbook ready to be opened; I am an unwanted visitor.

I came to unearth the volcano deep inside your core. I dig, and dig, day after day.

I bring up piece after piece of fragments of your pain and anger and disbelief of what has happened. I like being in control of your every emotion. I live for this. I am alive in this. I put a lot of trust in your memory to help my cause and as usual, I have no problem there.

Thanks. In the beginning, my job is so easy. No resistance. I move around at will causing deep valleys of sorrow and pain. I can talk you into anything. I tell you things as if life is not worth living.

If you want to get away from me, I will show you how. It really is not hard. When I come to visit, I become a master builder.

I build a wall so tall and strong it would take an army to knock it down. I do a lot of my work at night. I instill pictures in your dream life. Haunting pictures that are very descriptive and full of sounds and smells of the moment.

I have very clever and deceptive and will go to any means to invoke the rawest, of your emotions. I can take the sweetest dream and turn it into your worst nightmare.

You must be saying to yourself why? Why would I do such a terrible thing to someone? Why would you get such pleasure out of someone else's pain?

I do not blame you for thinking that. What else would you think?

Actually, I am doing my job. My job, No one else wants. It is like being the undertaker. Not too many people want that job but thank God, someone does it.

I am here to get you to work whether you want me to or not. To work the process of grieving. In addition, do not fool yourself; it is work, hard work. In addition, you can only do it. The work is painful and in the end can be rewarding.

In addition, as you work through the process, you may even find that you are starting to like me. I know we could never become close friends; I bring too much pain for that, but a friend you can appreciate for the do and the resolve I bring into your life. This is an on-going job with no end in sight. It is just moments of release from the pain and sorrow.

As you go on with the process you will notice that a lot of the unrelenting pain, and pictures, and bad dreams will give way to softer memories of smiles and whispers and eyes of love. Not horror.

So if you wouldn't mind letting me stay awhile longer, I would love to help you down the road a little more, and I promise I will leave when the going gets too tough, and come back when you need me. Alternatively, when the time is right. I will know when that is. I have been doing this for many years now. So, keep up the good work and do not be afraid of the pain. The pain is just a reminder of the work you are doing, and from where I stand, you have done good work.

Your friend,

Grief

When Grief Returns

Grief is a tricky thing. It can wreak havoc on your emotions, especially in the first year following the death of a child. A parent can think that progress in healing is finally being made, and then something as unexpected as a song comes on the radio, and the words trigger feelings of grief as strong as if the loss took place yesterday. After all of the "firsts" are in the past, the path to healing seems a bit more even for a while. Setbacks don't come nearly as often as in the first year, and rarely are the grief feelings as raw and intense as during the first months following the death of a child. Most parents work their way through the sad emotions of loss to a place where they can finally recall fond memories of times spent with their child. They can talk about their child without crying, and there is an overall feeling of peace rather than the gnawing feeling of never being at rest. Grief can be quite deceitful, though, and show up many years after a loss leaving one feeling like healing never took place. Rather than be alarmed if grief returns, remind yourself often that grief's visit is only a momentary appearance. Just as we go through seasons in our lives, grief will visit each of those seasons to let us know that the loss of a child has left its mark on the heart. An especially sensitive time is when a parent enters what we so often call the "empty nest." Grief can return as a bold reminder of what was so cruelly and unfairly taken away. A parent's emotions can become very disturbed during this sad reminder of loss once again. When grief returns, remind yourself often that this is a normal part of the overall healing process. The pain associated with child loss never totally goes away, so it is quite normal for certain times in our life to bring grief emotions to the forefront once again. Remember that this return of grief will not last forever. Take good care of yourself physically. Eat well-balanced meals. Rest. Keep yourself well hydrated. Talk to your doctor if you feel like you might be entering a phase of depression. Depression is something that can be treated early, and is nothing to try to hide. Lastly, find some support for this difficult time in your life. Even though your loss might have occurred 20 years ago, if you feel overwhelmed with sadness and grief, it is most important that you find someone who will listen and lend you support. Remind yourself often that grief is something that cannot be ignored. Grief can be masked for a while, but eventually it makes its presence known. It is something that requires hard work and attention. A parent's grief is a natural reaction to an abnormal event. Grief is not an illness, but rather is a time of readjustment to a reality of living with loss. Parents who lose a child do not stop grieving. The pain will vary in intensity at different times in a parent's life, but the process is life long. When grief returns, remember to be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time you need to once again work through your feelings.

Journal Your Way To Healing

 

How would you like to have a trusted friend available any hour of the day or night who would let you pour out your heart and never criticize you or tell you to “get on with life?”

Keeping a journal can give you just such a friend.

Journals are helpful at any time in your life, but they can be especially therapeutic during stressful times such as during grief or during times of making major decisions. If you don’t have someone close to discuss things with who understands what you’re going through, your journal can be of very great value.

Anyone can keep a journal. You don’t have to be a writer. You don’t have to know how to spell or how to use correct punctuation. Neatness is not important for a journal. It’s for your eyes only.

There are many different reasons for keeping a journal, but this article will deal with its value for our healing after losing your precious loved one.

When you write in a journal, you emotions are poured out bit by bit as you write. Those of you who have never written the events down until your loved one’s birthday or anniversary of loss have found that there are so many emotions bottled up, it’s excruciatingly painful for they tumble out in a rush, tearing your wounded heart afresh.

What is the difference between a journal and a diary? A diary is a record of daily events, but journaling is simply writing about how we are affected by these events.

You can record anything you like in your journal. It’s simply a record of what you’re thinking or feeling. You can even have lists in the back of things to do, books to read or helpful quotes.

You can use any paper, but you may find a colorful spiral bound notebook a good way to start. Any size will do. Stationery departments carry attractively bound journals but one of the advantages of a spiral notebook is that after you’ve vented some of your anger, you may feel even better tearing that page out and destroying it!

Writing in a journal is of inestimable value in helping us sort through the difficulties, problems and perplexities of life.

Sometimes it’s hard to put into words what we are feeling about something. People ask bereaved families questions causing us to become tongue-tied or because our mind is so full of pain and perplexities, we end up bawling or doing something which humiliates us. When our minds are a jumbled mess, we add frustration to our day. Writing things out on paper helps to clarify and unscramble the confusion in our mind. Experiences become more bearable and less perplexing when we write them down.

You will be pleasantly amazed how your journal helps sort out things in your mind. Setting time aside for occasional “journal breaks” will be so rewarding.

As bereaved people, we often feel we’re on top of an emotional volcano about to erupt. When we find our emotions are at a breaking point, we’re overloaded with stress. One simple relief from this stress can be journaling. Whether you ever re-read what you’ve written doesn’t matter. Much anger frustration, and hurt can be poured out harmlessly on paper. Tears may flow as we write, but these tears are healing. Later, we’ll notice that we feel less “ready to break.” With a healthy outlet for our festering emotions, we are making room for healing balm to be poured on our wounded heart.

Sometimes there are so many decisions to be made, our minds are in a whirl. If we just sit down and write out the decisions, making two columns underneath for listing advantages and disadvantages of them, it can save us hours of inner turmoil. Writing things out helps clarify in our own mind what to do.

Date your entries. Later on, if you should decide to re-read your journal, you can see how far you’ve come. You’ll appreciate having the writings dated then.
Don’t be a slave to your journal -- it’s to be a friend. Only write in it when you want to. Five minutes a day or one-half hour a week may fit your lifestyle best. You may go for days or weeks without writing. However, you might like to post an update each week during those lulls. Later, you’ll enjoy reading those updates.

Your family will also reap benefits from your journal. With this avenue for venting your pain, you’re less apt to take your frustrations out on them.

We all have occasional setbacks on our journey to healing. Re-reading your journal later, it’s easier to see encouraging progress.

Why not try to spend a few minutes each week for the next few weeks, writing about the death of your loved one or how you’re coping? Your disappointment in how people avoid you or the warmth of new friends you’re making are good to include. Reminisce about your loved one and eventually include how the death occurred. The painful things are often accompanied with tears, but they will be cleansing and healing.

May you find your journal to be a very good friend -- one to whom you can tell everything. Let it be a friend who plays a valuable role in your healing. ---Carol Ruth Blackman