I Lost a Child, Do you understand?

THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE HERE ALSO :

Read this today and had to share.... I didn't write these words but they are very appropriate to my personal situation and that of so many of us who have lost children.
When you lose a child, people automatically want to find some way to connect with you; it’s human nature I guess.

When you experience a death like that, it changes you as a person; the person you thought you were almost instantly is gone. There’s a shadow that covers the world, as you are forced to still live in it.

I can’t help but grow frustrated when someone tries to relate to my situation in a way that actually belittles my feelings. Losing a child is an experience you can’t imagine; the depth of pain will only let your mind take you so far unless you’ve actually gone through it yourself. It’s a topic you don’t want to say out loud when talking about your children. It’s the chapter you skip over in the book, “What to Expect when Expecting.” It’s every parent’s worst fear, every parent’s nightmare. Watching your child suffer is painful; it leaves you helpless and scared. I get that. I know that.
But when that fear is replaced with reality, it changes everything. It separates you from every parent. It places you in a different category.

Your deepest fear of losing a child is just that: a fear. Your fear is my story. I’m like a prisoner in a cage; you can’t even come visit me here. You think you can relate, you think you know this feeling, but you haven’t got a clue. Everything looks different here; it even has a different smell. There’s not a part of you that can possibly relate to this feeling. That’s a good thing, trust me. It’s not a feeling you want to have. You want nothing to do with this world.

I’d almost do anything to spare you from it.

I know what it’s like to bury a child. I know what it’s like to have to pick something out to wear to my child’s funeral.

I know the feeling of having to force air into my lungs, just so I can breathe. The feeling of having to stay on this earth when it seems like nothing’s left.

I know what it’s like to put all my child’s belongings in a box.

I know the feeling of bringing fresh cut flowers to his grave. I can’t ever forget the smell of freshly dug dirt.

I know what it means to feel the deepest sadness, one that flips you inside out.
know what it’s like to spill your emotions out on the table, exposed for everyone to see.

To have the whole world pity you, and in the moment, to be glad they are not you.

Do you know “that” feeling?

Unless you’ve lost a child, you don’t. So please understand why comparing your experience to mine is painful for me.

Death can’t have your love..

Oh yes, I wanted my pain to end quickly. Oh yes, I would have done anything to stop the hurt and make my suffering go away after my daughter died. I thought, “Give me the magic spell, the book, the hammer, the video or anything else to make my pain end and I will take it.”

Grief grabbed me and beat me; pounded me into submission and hurled me down the well of despair. In the weeks, months and for several years after my daughter died, never once did I feel that my grief was teaching me anything but how much it hurt to lose her. My pain was from something bad and my life was in turmoil.

Yet somewhere deep inside, I believed life could get better and that I didn’t have to live with such deep grief forever. My daughter's death paralyzed me in many ways so that belief didn’t bubble to the surface and turn into action for a long time.

I began to fight back against my deep grief and deep suffering. I knew others had traveled my path and if they were one day ahead of me, then they knew something I didn’t.

It won’t be the first time you’ve heard this, and maybe it still doesn’t make any sense, but maybe this will be the time it will take hold and start to teach you ways to make some of your grief easier. Hopefully, it will help you know that death did not take all,

Here it is..... The pain is from the love. We hurt so much because we love so much. The paradox of grief is that something that feels so bad, the death of your child, is because of something that feels so good, the love for your child. Odd isn’t it? Our grief and deep sadness teach us how much we love and where that love comes from.

The reason we know sad is because we’ve known happy. There would be no sadness if happiness didn’t exist. Because we’ve known such happiness and love with our children, that when they died, it gave birth to our profound and overwhelming sadness. But our happiness didn’t die, it was smothered by our sadness and is still there, waiting to return.

The challenge is to find ways to transition from the sadness in our grief, to the happiness from the life of our child. That’s where grief work comes into play. Early in our journey, the goal is for our grief to go away. But if I were to ask you, “If giving up one moment of your grief means giving up one moment of your love, would you do that?” I doubt you would. The grief we can live with..... the love we can’t live without. So we learn to live with grief, find ways to soften it and learn what it teaches about our love.

Your life will never be the same. I’m sure you already know that. The death of your child is too life changing an experience to ever be able to go back to where, or who, you once were. The relationship with your child has changed, but it didn’t die. Our greatest suffering comes from the loss of the physical. We hurt so much because we can’t hold them, hear them or even smell them. We long for one more hug, one more conversation and one more tomorrow. We fight that need for a long time because we want it back the way it was. If we can’t let go of the physical part of our relationship, then we’re in danger of seeing our child as a child who died and is gone forever, and not a child who lived, and will always live, if we let them. Letting go of their physical death is a tough bridge to cross, though.

If we’re able to embrace what we have and will always have, which is the spiritual and emotional life of our child, then we can transition from sadness back to happiness.

Here’s how we can do that.....

Bring back a good memory of your child. Now I ask you, “Is that a memory of a living child?” Of course, it’s a memory of a living, loving child. That’s yours forever and ever and ever. Death can’t have that memory. Yes, you may be sad and cry when you bring that memory back. And that’s fine; express that sadness. In time, if you do your work, the two emotions of sadness and happiness can change places. When you bring back that same memory, you can smile and say, “Wow, what a terrific child I’ve got…....not had. I am blessed.”

When you put your head on your pillow tonight, think of your child. Not a specific memory, but that feeling you get when you think of them. For me, when I think of my daughter, I get goosebumps. My angel tingles me. The joy of the life of that girl surges through me like lightning. If that’s what you feel, then you know that death did not take their life force and can never take it, if you don’t let it.

Yes, love hurts. But would you have it any other way? Not me, because without the hurt I wouldn’t know the joy. And love does not die either. There is never a reason to add a “d” to the word love. There is no past tense to love. It was, it is, and it will always be. A love born can never die.

Death can’t have your love.....and.....
Death can’t have your child if you don’t let it......

I Didn't Plan

By Cera Grace

I didn't plan,
for my child to die.
I still have questions,
as to reasons why.

I know my faith
is much stronger now.
I still must be oh so cautious
For Satans words I disavow .

I wrestle with "what if",
with each thought he brings.
But with faith that I know,
My day's hurt has strings.

Who amongst us,
believe we are the only ones?
When God himself
Gave his only son.

You are a parent
just like me.
If we believe in Gods grace,
Some things are meant to be.

I dislike that saying
when ones speak of my child.
My guilts of "I failed him".
Are so vastly far from mild.

My words of experience,
the hurt of letting a child go.
Will one day be revealed,
As God needs me to know.

Be gentle, be good to you,
With time your results revealed.
Until that moment comes,
Honor your child that lived.

Help others from the pain
which so few understand.
And one day, we'll arrive
Into Gods promised land.

Remember your situation, if
your child had to lose you.
Knowing your child's beauty
Could they have made it through?

I say all of these things
My grief heart still so hurt.
Yet I must find solace, for
if not, my courage reverts.

Satan shall not take,
this courage I have gained.
And faith shall prevail,
As God holds my hearts pain.

No one will forget your child.
Believe this sacred thought.
Jesus paid our way
Even he at times distraught.

There will always be "what if"
And "remember when".
Until all that knew your child,
And their life chapters end.

So smile, enjoy each day.
Let others see the real you.
Faith is so beautiful
Make them want such too

I can't change the events,
of the life I now must face.
But maybe, just maybe
I can show them grace.

There will always be a depth
That I never can describe.
I make it through these days
With Jesus by my side.

I laugh, I cry, I listen.
Above all I love.
I struggle like the fledge
Much like a nestling dove.

I can't answer
How I shall be in years.
Nor can I began to measure
The liters of my tears.

I can say with clarity
I can't change the past
I want to make a difference
That's my new life's task.

Look at you, just look at you
With such strength to survive
The layers of love you hold
Wishing your child alive

I never imagined
My earth hearts goodbye
I just didn't plan
For my child to die

Stepping Stones

Come...take my hand the road is long
We must travel by stepping stones...
No...you're not alone...I'll go with you
I know the road well...I've been there
Don't fear the darkness...I'll be with you
We must take one step at a time
But remember...we may have to stop awhile
It is a long way to the other side
And there are many obstacles you must face

We have many stones to cross...some are bigger than others
Shock...denial...pain and anger to start
Then comes guilt...despair and loneliness
It's a hard road to travel but it must be done
It's the only way to reach the other side
Come...slip your hand in mine

What? Oh yes...it's very strong
I've held so many hands like yours
Once...you see...I had to take someone's hand
In order to take the first step
Oops! You've stumbled...go ahead and cry
Don't be ashamed...it's ok...I understand
Let's wait here awhile and get your breath
When you're stronger we'll go on...one step at a time
There's no need to hurry...we have time on our side

Hey...it's so nice to hear you laugh again
Yes..I agree...
The memories you shared with me are good
They will live in you for all of eternity
Look...we're halfway there now
I can see the other side...it's so warm and filled with laugher and sunshine
Oh...have you noticed we're nearing the last stone
and you're standing alone...
And look...your hand...you've let go of mine
We've finally reached the other side...

But wait...look back...someone is standing there
They are alone and want to cross the stepping stones
I'd better go now...they need my help
What? Are you sure...
Why...yes go ahead...of course I'll wait
You know the way...you've been there
Yes...I agree it's your turn...my friend
To help someone else cross the stepping stones
~ Author unknown

Dear God, Where's my Soul-Mate?

Dear God,

Loving Essence of all there is.

Please fill me with your sacred presence.

I ask for your Love and Guidance

And for your blessings, 

As I explore the deep reaches of my heart

I ask for you assistance

In releasing that which stands in the way of true love.

My heart is pure;

my intentions clear.

Please bring to me my most perfect partner.

I seek a partner who enhances me

by his very being.

who brings more love, joy,

peace and prosperity to my life,

Who I can love fully and

who can fully receive my love,

Who loves, honors and

cherishes me completely, and always.

May my heart be open and my head is clear.

May my life be ready to welcome True love.

May I be embraced in a circle of your love

An uplifted by your grace. And so it is.

Don't Give Up...

To all my Angel mom and dad's, you never get over the passing of your child, just a fact! 
We divide our life in before they passed away and after, and we will NEVER be the same again.
The pain NEVER goes away we just learn to live with that pain.
And we look for the signs, and when we have the signs, sometimes you may cry but sometimes you may smile and say Thank you! Thank you my child!
I love and miss you with all my heart Greggy...

The Far Side of the Rainbow

The sky is filled with Angels

With puffy lacy wings

The remnants of God's beauty

With treasures they now bring

Each one of them a Guardian

That travels in the sky

To watch throughout eternity

Their parents from on high

Smiles that come from Angels

They fall like crystal rain

Eases earthly burdens

Lifting all life's pain

Halos so astounding

That glitter gold each day

Following their loved ones

In such a perfect way

Wings in gentle breezes

That fall from up above

Kissing every parent

With everlasting love

Angels soar through heaven

With everlasting light

Looking down from heaven

Saying their "goodnights"

Kissing all who loved them

So gently on the face

This life's tender mercy

Each parent can embrace

Wings and shiny halos

Travel from on high

Surrounding all their loved ones

They never say good-bye.

~ Author Unknown

When Someone you Love Dies by Suicide

 Honoring my friend R.R.

Submitted by LisaLCSW  |  August 2, 2012 - 1:04pm 

            How do you cope with a death that is so sudden, so tragic, and would appear to some to be so preventable? The grief reaction felt by those that are left behind after a person dies from suicide are similar in some ways to any loss, but simultaneously unique in so many ways too. The anger and guilt that accompanies many situations of grief is often heightened further in suicide loss. Anger at one’s self for not having known to stop the suicide or help the person; anger at the person for seemingly choosing to leave their family and friends behind; guilt that there is some relief that the person may finally be out of the pain they lived with if they suffered from a psychiatric disorder such as depression. There are so many conflicting and challenging emotions that may be felt after a death from suicide. Police investigations, media coverage, and stigma or perceived blame make the challenge of grieving this type of loss particularly difficult. Intrusive thoughts of how the death occurred or what you may have seen during or after the person’s death may play in your mind. This is normal, but should become less frequent with time and with work to process through the feelings and emotions you are experiencing.

            In some situations (not all – any threat of suicide should be taken seriously), a person who gives an indication that they may attempt suicide is reaching out for help whereas a person planning to follow through with suicide may not give any warning so that no one will try to stop them. Sometimes, a person who has suffered from a psychiatric illness such as depression may even seem as though they are improving leading up to a suicide attempt. The point is that in many cases, this type of death may not be preventable or anticipated. Guilt is a normal feeling in grief and you may replay situations when you should have seen a sign or could have stopped this from happening, but it is important to test the reality of those statements because typically there was nothing that you could have done to anticipate or stop this death from occurring. My number one rule in groups and therapy is never “should” on yourself or anyone else and never let anyone else “should” on you.

            It may be difficult to figure out what to tell people when they ask you how your loved one died. This can only be decided by you, however many people say that they find it easiest to say that the person died by suicide. The term “committed suicide” is generally not used anymore as this infers a criminal act and contributes to the stigma of suicide. Most people now say “died by suicide” as this is a more sensitive and understanding description of this cause of death.

            Grief is unique to every individual and each person’s needs will be different. However, it is important to support one another as friends and family to begin to work through this difficult process. With time and with some grief work, the good memories and positive feelings you have about the person who has died will come back. You can choose to allow them to be more than just the way they died in your mind – you can remember who they were as a person and honor that memory. If you are having difficulty working through the grieving process following a suicide loss, reach out for help – talk to family, friends, spiritual or religious advisors, and if you need professional help, don’t be afraid to seek it.

How do we get back...?

How do we get back on our knees and learn to crawl again after having been crushed by the terror of our child’s death?

What can we do to learn how to live again, which is exactly what we try to do? We’ve begun a new life, a new normal, where we look different, we act different, and we communicate differently than we did in our past life.

Most bereaved parents will tell you we now live in terms of before and after our child died. All events are measured in terms of the instant they passed away. When a neighbor tells us they went on vacation last year, we think, my child would still have been alive for another six months. Or, we figure exactly how many days, weeks, months, or years they would have already been gone. It’s an automatic calculation.

The single most powerful factor in starting my new normal has been the realization that death did not take all of my child. My son's death did not take all of his life. His spirit and life lives on through my memories. Everything I had with my son when he was alive still lives in me. Every hug, every kiss, every laugh, and every tear will always be a part of my life. I certainly wish there had been many more memories to be made, but that decision was not mine to make.

In the beginning, the memories I had were mostly about what I lost. I thought my son was gone forever and I would experience his life again only when I died and we were reunited. Now, most of my memories are more about what I had, and still have, with him. All the times are special and treasured moments that I hold closely and am very grateful for.

My realization about my son's life was not something I consciously decided to feel. I didn’t go to the healing store and buy it off the shelf. Through my grief work, and leaving myself open to all possibilities of healing, I was able to bring my son's life back into mine.

I don’t think we have all that much control over our grief. It just kind of drags us along. What we can control is how we do our grief work and hopes towards our healing.

We must never stop fighting for our child. Their lives are out there waiting for us to bring them back into ours. This is a rough, rough journey, but if we travel it side by side, hand in hand with our child's lives, it can make our path a bit easier.

 My Son: Gregory E. Whale, Jr --- 9-2-1991 - 4-26-2010

My Niece: Sarah Elizabeth Armor --- 7-24-1991 - 7-10-2014

The gifts you have to offer to a grieving parent...

Your ear: Having someone who will simply listen is often exactly what a grieving parent needs. You may feel like you need to have answers, but often just having the opportunity to talk things out can help someone organize their thoughts and feelings.

Your desire to understand: Some don’t always listen with the intent to understand. However, being understood is exactly what a grieving parent needs, especially when they are feeling misunderstood by others in their life.

In my opinion, seeking to understand someone is one of the best way to show them you care. Simply restating what you think they’re saying shows you are present and engaged, lets them know that you aren’t making assumptions, and can even help them to better understand themselves.

Your ever enduring presence: Grieving parents will still be hurting months, even years after a death. Usually, the casseroles and messages of concern stop rolling in after a few weeks.

For this reason, the check-in’s that happen after a grieving parent have essentially been left alone will send the message that you understand their pain is enduring, and reminds them you will be there for them in the long-term. Make it casual, send a card or an e-mail, that way they can choose not to respond if they don’t feel like talking. Don’t take it to heart if you don’t get a response and follow their cues. If they don’t engage with you it’s probably wise to give them a little space.

Non-judgment: After a certain period of time people start expressing opinions on how they think a grieving parent is coping – it’s taking too long, you’re trying too hard, you’re not doing enough, you don’t seem to care.

Remember, we all cope differently. Try to avoid passing judgement about whether someone is coping in a good or bad way, unless their coping mechanisms are potentially harmful to themselves or others.
When it comes to the complexities of supporting a grieving parent, this post only barely scratches the surface.

What other gifts do you think should be added?

4 Years & 5 Months...

How dare it be over 4 years since Greggy died! It feels like yesterday, the pain is still just as raw... I think about my sister-in-law who lost her dughter to suicide on 7-10-14... It really is still raw for her... She just got her daughters autopsy report and it hit her & her husband like a ton of bricks. How dare we both lose a child, in the same family! My shrine for Greggy is now for Sarah too. I feel so bad for her parents & brother. Life is so precious and we need to tell our loved ones that we love them now and not to wait until they die...

We all told our child that we loved them, before they died...
I told Greggy in a text the night before and Trish told Sarah the night before as well.

Me & Greggy

9-2-1991 --- 4-26-2010

Forever 18

Sarah & Trish

7-24-1991 --- 7-10-2014

Forever 22

The Reality of Grief

The general populous, without the experience, does not understand what grief is. I have listed a few of my thoughts on the reality of grief.
* Grief Hurts. It is real. It is often accompanied by pain, confusion, and the inability to concentrate and feeling numb is a usual part of the process. We grieve deeply because we loved deeply. Grief for a child is enduring. It lasts a life time. Losing ones child to death is losing part of our future.
* The pain, confusion and other effects are real. We are not making it up and we can not control it.*. Grief takes a long time. It does not get a quick fix. " The funeral is over, we have closure, now we get on with our lives" is only in the media, fairy tales and the mind of those who have not gone through it.
*. We all grieve differently. Whatever time it takes is all right. For some it is a very long process even a lifetime with no relief. For others, equilibrium can be found sooner. Don’t expect to grieve like anyone else. However you grieve is all right as long as it doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. But not dealing with or recognizing our grief only makes it last longer.
*. There are physical effects of grief. Some people can’t eat but some drastically increase their food intake. Some sleep more while some can’t sleep. Headaches and other physical symptoms are not uncommon. There can be concentration problems, the inability to organize thoughts or tasks. Some people forget certain aspects of the death and that memory may not return.
*. Grief makes people cry. This is a natural part of the grief process. The tears of grief are chemically different from all other types of tears. Do not be ashamed to cry. Do not let others make you feel ashamed of crying. Let them know it is natural and they did not make you any more sad then you already are. Teach them to accept the emotion and to know if it is felt and dealt with now we will deal with things better in the future and possibly sooner.
*. Special days bring grief back stronger. Personal events; birthdays, the start of school, holidays, etc., death anniversary, and those days held dear to you and your child; it is a natural part of the process and normal.
*. The grief process and the death of our child can change our personal philosophy. Grief can also increase our boldness to question our beliefs, and courage to speak out. Let our new philosophy be okay for us to accept. Also don’t feel it is necessary to convince others that we and our personal philosophies have changed.
*. Grief changes people and their relationships. Some relationships change and sometimes the relationships break. It is best if we learn about our new selves and hope those we are closest to will accept us.

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms you will never be the same
You might long for the person you were before
When you had freedom and time
And nothing in particular to worry about
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before
And days will run into days that are exactly the same
Full of feedings and burping
Nappy changes and crying
Whining and fighting
Naps or a lack of naps
It might seem like a never-ending cycle

But don’t forget….
There is a last time for everything
There will come a time when you will feed your baby for the very last time
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down
And never pick them up that way again
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone
They will hold your hand to cross the road
Then never reach for it again
They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus” and do all the actions
Then never sing them that song again
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.

The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times. And even then, it will take you a while to realise.

So while you are living in these times, remember there are only so many of them and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them.

For one last time.

Author Unknown

Lost a Child...

I do not know exactly how any of you feel. We each have lost a child which is our common bond. But how we lost our child, the age of our child, the relationship we had with our child, where we live, our personality, our faith, all contribute to exactly how we feel and how we deal with the loss. As a bereaved parent I have an idea how you feel or as I like to say I'm in the ballpark.
By sharing things that help us or things that give us comfort may just be the missing thing that helps someone else. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will give them a starting point to discover what works for them. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will take a little piece of a bunch of them and come up with what works for them. Maybe someone reading something you wrote will simply help the person realize they are not alone.By sharing our feelings you may just help someone realize that they are not strange, that others feel this way too.
Please remember
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
There is no right or wrong way to celebrate your child's life.
There is no right or wrong way to feel.
What helps one person may not help another
What gives one person comfort may not give another
Each of us needs to do whatever it takes to get through the next breath, the next minute, the next hour, the next day.
May the memories of your child wrap you in a warm hug.

The Hardest Thing...

My Kitty...

My Kitty keeps me Company,
sometimes I call her a Bug,
when I'm in front of my computer!

Me & My Sleepy Kitty...

My Sleeping Kitty...

Thoughts of Suicide

In Memory of my Niece, Sarah...
7-24-1991 --- 7-10-2014

NO ONE...

One Thing I've Learned...

One thing I've learned is the death of a child is emotionally catastrophic. I know of no greater pain. Now that Greggy is gone our family has grueling homework of our own: the homework of learning to live with grief – which, as far as I can tell, is the work of a lifetime. There are no shortcuts. There are no opt-out tests. Every day is a lesson on love and loss, healing alittle, crying a lot, and learning to move forward however fast or slow our hearts will take us. Because love lasts, so does grief. So long as I love my son I will grieve his loss … and what a terrible grief it is. But grief is the price of love and love is worth every tear, every shard of my broken heart, it is worth the agony of loss. The love in my heart hurts me and heals me all at the same time. I am learning that to hurt is to be human and to heal, even if only a little, is heavenly.

When life is sometimes hard on us

We think we cannot cope
We think our life has ended
We think there is no hope
But don't give up on yourself
Think of those you love
Here on earth with you
Or gone and up above
Would they want you grieving
To see you in such pain
Or see you as they knew you
Full of sunshine again
Some people leave us in body
but never in our mind
Their spirit's always with us
their joy they leave behind
So don't dwell on the dark times
That's not who you are
Remember they can see you
Look up and see their star....
Shining in the heavens
Look up and you will see
Them smiling down upon you
They want you to be happy