Our new normal

With the death of our child everything we ever believed in is shattered. In my own case, I had to struggle for a long time to even figure out what I had believed in; I was so confused.

Our egos and our beliefs in ourselves, are badly shaken because, as parents, we truly believed we could protect our child from
anything. We were careful, good parents, and now our child is gone. We have failed to keep our child alive and our ego tells us we are a failure.

This devastates us; we can no longer believe in ourselves; we feel that obviously we are incapable of doing anything right. We have no self-confidence, no longer any self-esteem. These are all natural, normal responses to the horror of your child’s death.

Remind yourself to be patient, to be kind to yourself. You are not a failure, you did the very best you could, and you surely would have given your own life to save your child’s. You did not fail; life just isn’t always fair. These feelings, and others as bizarre, may cause you to think you are going crazy. Ask any bereaved parent of some years and they will all tell you they thought the same thing at some time or point.

You are a changed person now, you will never again be the same as you were before your child died. Someday you will accept that fact. Out of the ashes of grief you can grow, if and when you choose to do so. Look around you to the other bereaved parents; you will find role models and hope in them.

There will be many tears, allow them, they are healing and necessary to survival and recovery.

Many of us suffer from the lack of ability to concentrate. It is a common complaint. You can’t think, you can’t remember from one minute till the next, and you have no idea what you have read.

You will have a strong need to talk. You will find that you can talk more than one person can listen, so seek out several good friends who will let you talk to them. You will need to tell your child’s story over and over again. You will need to talk about the whole life and the death and what you are going through now. Talking is therapeutic. Talk, and talk, and talk, until your story is told.

At night you may go over the events again and again, night after night. Sleep disturbances are not unusual. You either can’t sleep or sleep too much.

We suffer guilt, real or imagined. You will remember things you did and things you didn’t do. You go through the “if onlys.” If only you had or hadn’t.

Beware of isolation. You need to be with people, not alone. When you isolate yourself with no one to talk about your feelings, you become depressed.

You are fatigued, lack motivation, you suffer numerous physical complaints, headaches, stomach disorders, you are either nervous or feel dead inside All of which are normal and to be expected in this time of enormous stress. And always you ask yourself and others, “Why?” “Why ?” ”Why my child?” Simply because life isn’t always fair, my friend.

Your world is topsy-turvy now, nothing makes sense, nothing fits-family balance is upset, the numbers are all wrong, there is one too many chairs at the table now, so you choke on your food and think of the empty chair.

Some days you can’t get out of bed. Some days you work hard and fast like something possesses you. Every day you cry. You find you are very lonely even in the midst of a crowded shopping mall. You want to scream at the busy, happy people. How can they go on as if nothing has happened?

I understand; each one on this page has had at least one child die. We know what you are going through.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I want to share this time of your life with you. I want you to know you are not alone.